I Need You
by PuPu
Summary: (Chapter 8-11 revised. Will revise other chapters later on.)Shuichi got terminally ill. Yuki finally understand how much he loves Shu. A stereotyped story with a different approach. R&R! Thanks!
1. 1

Disclaimer: Gravitation doesn't belong to me.  
  
  
  
Chapter 01: "He…he…"  
  
  
  
"Tadaima!" A genki voice shook the house, including the study room.  
  
Yuki Eiri groaned. He couldn't help it. That idiot came just right on time to interrupt his inspiration for his new book.  
  
"Sigh…" But what can he do? Shuichi was literally glued to him now…and perhaps for the rest of their lives…  
  
//// "No matter where you are, be it dead or alive, I will find you!" ////  
  
Eiri can't helped but recalled what that baka said back in NY, in that room…where Eiri's beloved sensei was killed by he himself…where Eiri's new love swore his love to he himself…  
  
The door hinges creaked. Eiri was ready to be jumped on and that his 1 week old arm chair would move one step into destruction like his last one.  
  
"Yuuuuuukiiiiiii~~~!" Shuichi screamed as he threw his whole body weight on Eiri.  
  
"Baka! You are going to wreck my chair again!"  
  
"Ma…Yuki…but I can't help it ne~ I missed you soooooo much~!" Shuichi snuggled into Yuki's chest, hugging it tightly…  
  
"Baka…you were only out of this house 2 hours ago…"  
  
"Hee…but I still missed you~!"  
  
"Baka…" Eiri couldn't help it but hugged Shuichi back tight. Damn those sparking green eyes of his…  
  
"Did you miss me too, Yuki?"  
  
"No."  
  
Shuichi pouted.  
  
"What if I won't come back for a long long time, will you miss me, Yuki?"  
  
"Stop asking stupid questions."  
  
"Meany!"  
  
Gosh…those damn-god-cute eyes sparkled again…  
  
"I didn't miss you but I did miss something."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Having sex with you."  
  
It was Yuki's turn to jump on Shuichi and…his chair was wrecked in the end.  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
"Yuki… …ah…Yuki……matte yo…Yuki…ah…ah…matte…ugh…ha…ah…MATTE!"  
  
"Can't you even shut up during sex?!" Yuki Eiri was annoyed. Shuichi was just too talkative…and he noticed his chair was wrecked…again…  
  
"Gomen…Yuki…I'll be quiet now…but please use this…"  
  
A condom was taken out from Shuichi's jeans on the floor.  
  
"What? We never used that…"  
  
"Onegai…Yuki, please use it…I beg you…"  
  
Yuki was shocked to see Shuichi cry. It's not like he never sees him cry before but…  
  
"Sigh…alright…alright…"  
  
It was just to appease Shuichi so that he would stop crying. Yuki was of course curious as to the reason for the condom but he couldn't care much…Shuichi was too sexy for him that night…  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
"Beep. Beep. Beep."  
  
Yuki Eiri picked up the phone, with much annoyance. It was 9.00 a.m. in the morning.  
  
"Hai?"  
  
"Is Mr. Shindou Shuichi in?" It was a female voice. Shuichi didn't have any female colleagues, did he?  
  
Yuki nudged Shuichi to get up while getting irritated with the mess they made on his desk. His manuscript were all over the study room.  
  
"…sniff…Haaaaiiii…" Shuichi greeted lazily. He was irritated too…irritated with the call disturbing the warmth that was now gone with Yuki picking up his manuscript.  
  
"Ah! Yes…" Shuichi shouted with surprise and then tried his best to keep his conversation with the woman or girl over the phone down…as if he was afraid that Yuki would eavesdrop…  
  
Yuki, of course, wasn't stupid. After Shuichi put down the phone…  
  
"Who was that?"  
  
"Ah…urm…j…just my…secretary…yea…"  
  
Shuichi's stupidity seems to be getting worse everyday.  
  
"Oh…a secretary to remind you that since when does a singer get his private secretary…"  
  
"Wha…Whatever…" Shuichi, at lightning speed, picked up his clothes and rushed out of the apartment before Yuki can speak another word.  
  
Dumb folded, Yuki was certain that Shuichi was hiding something from him.  
  
"He couldn't have a girlfriend, could he?"  
  
Yuki shook his head in disbelief before going into the bathroom.  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
The clock beeped 2.00 a.m. in the morning. Yuki Eiri was awake. He shouldn't be awake now…not on a Sunday's 2.00 a.m. He should be in bed with that idiot…no…with his Shuichi right now. "Where are you, baka…Shuichi?"  
  
"Beep. Beep. Beep."  
  
Yuki grabbed the phone, getting ready to shout "baka" as soon as Shuichi speaks…or if that's Shuichi who is speaking. But, it was not. It was Hiro, Shuichi's best friend and Bad Luck's guitarist.  
  
"Yuki-san."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Sorry to call you at this time, but…you need to get down here now."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"The hospital."  
  
"What happened to that baka now?" Yuki shook as he tried to reply with an irritated tone.  
  
"He…he…"  
  
Yuki can't hear anything else except the sobbing of Hiro over the phone. 


	2. 2

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to moi.  
  
Notes: Thankies everyone for your kind commentos~ Doumo Arigatou!! ^__^ Here's the second chapter…its still the beginning of the story…and about "everyone-is-able-to-guess-what's-going-to-happen", what you think will happen will happen…but…the rest is H-I-T-M-I-T-S-U~! Hee…cheeky me~! Oh yea…and REALLY pardon me with the grammar…ne~ ;____; I am trying my best to do it right…(my native language ain't English…^___^;;;; Sumimasen!)  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 02: "…Speechless…"  
  
  
  
It was quiet in the hospital at 2.10 a.m. Well, it had to be quiet.  
  
But the silence was broken by footsteps. Footsteps that were at a running pace.  
  
Yuki Eiri ran towards the reception counter. He was exhausted. Imagine running to the hospital more than 5 streets across your apartment in 10 minutes and when you reached there, you remembered about owning a limousine. You have to be exhausted. However, our protagonist could not care less about his exhaustion. Fear and worries had overcome him that he no longer felt his exhaustion.  
  
"Yes? How can I help you?" The female receptionist inquired too politely to be on a night shift…or morning at this time.  
  
"…Shin…Shin…"  
  
"YUKI~~!"  
  
That voice. That familiar voice calling out that familiar name. It cleared Yuki Eiri's fear and worries almost immediately. Not forgetting the hug that always synchronized perfectly with that calling.  
  
"Shu…Shuichi?! I thought…"  
  
"Ma…Yuki…Hahaha…I am so sorry. Hahaha…baka me worked too hard and so I fainted during recording. Hahaha…I embarrassed myself sooooooooo much. Hahaha…urm…sorry to make you worry ne~!"  
  
"But Hiro…"  
  
"Bah…Hiro was just over-sensitive! Hahaha…it was just that I tire myself a little too much and he got all nervous about it. Never thought he would be sooooo stupid ne~ Hahaha…"  
  
"But..."  
  
"He's fine. Sorry to make you come down here and stuff. Yea…" Hiro's voice interrupted their conversation. He appeared almost suddenly at the reception and he looked…depress?  
  
"But…"  
  
"I AM FINE! Ah…gomen…" Shuichi apologized…shocked by his own volume.  
  
Yuki Eiri was speechless. So was the receptionist…  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
CLINK-----CRASH-----  
  
That marked the end of Shindou Shuichi's mug. Since the week, Shuichi had broken a porcelain bowl, two china plates for a second and his mug was the third.  
  
"Not again…what's the matter with you? This is the third time already…" Yuki Eiri yelled with a colder tone than usual as he marched towards the kitchen.  
  
"SUMIMASEN~! Gomen ne~ Yuki…I…I…" Shuichi stooped down as fast as possible to clear the mess, trying his best to avoid eye contact with Yuki. Yet, to no avail. Yuki knew Shuichi was crying.  
  
Yuki could not help but sigh.  
  
"Hand."  
  
"Eh…? *sob*…"  
  
"Your hand. You got cut didn't you, baka?"  
  
Indeed. Shuichi's right hand was bleeding.  
  
"Yuki…"Shuichi replied with puppy eyes that were incredibly cute…and scary, as he stretched out his right hand…weakly?  
  
"Ah…" Yuki Eiri startled upon coming in contact with the idiot's hand. They were cold…and shivering…  
  
"You are cold?"  
  
"Ah…no…just that the wound hurts…I am fine…"  
  
Gently, Yuki Eiri bandaged the wound after applying antiseptic. Just that the wound hurts? No way! It's just a small cut.  
  
"I won't take that…" Yuki whispered.  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"I WON'T TAKE THAT! YOU ARE NOT FINE AT ALL! WHAT'S THE FUCKING MATTER WITH YOU, SHUICHI?!" Eiri roared…louder than what he intended.  
  
Shuichi was too taken aback to speak. Tears were gushing out from his eyes now…from those green eyes…terrified green eyes…  
  
"What's wrong with you, Shuichi? Tell me! Tell me now! Why did you land yourself in the hospital last week? Why the fuck do I have to use condom when we were having sex? Why are your hands so cold? Tell me, Shuichi! Tell me!" Yuki lowered his volume now…although the same stern tone remained…  
  
"Yuki…*sob*…I am fine…really…I am…*sob*…I am sorry…but…"  
  
"STOP GIVING ME THAT! COME CLEAN WITH ME!"  
  
"I AM FINE! I AM! I REALLY AM!! Yuki…*sob*…" Shuichi buried his head into Yuki's chest and continued crying…  
  
Yuki Eiri was speechless again…  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
"But Shuichi…"  
  
KNOCK --- KNOCK ---  
  
"Someone's here…I will call you again, Ayaka…" Hiroshi Nakano put down his mobile as he went to the door. Who could it be at this time, past midnight?  
  
"Ah…Yuki-san…" Seeing his best friend's lover at the door, Hiro was shocked…no…scared. The expression on Yuki Eiri's face now was…threatening…and those eyes. Those eyes were…as if they were out to kill... Déjà vu was what Hiro is experiencing now. Yes…this was the expression on "Yuki-san's" face when Hiro told him Shuichi was raped half a year ago.  
  
"…Yes? Wh-What's the matter?"  
  
"Him."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What's wrong with Shindou Shuichi?"  
  
Hiroshi Nakano stood at the door…speechless… 


	3. 3

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me.  
  
Notes: This is it! The third chapter! Gyah…I think I let the cat out of the bag too early…grr…I love to have some more cliffhangers…but…*sigh*…anyways, I don't think I wrote this chapter well but…gyah…I am too lazy to rewrite it…maybe, I will change some stuff in this chapter later…when I have time… Oh yea, when reading this chapter, play some sad or soothing music ne? It will bring out some atmosphere. Of course, nothings better than "Gravitation Theme" to bring out the Gravi atmosphere…oh yea, and pardon the grammar as usual…thank you for all the kind comments and well, till then, ja.  
  
  
  
Chapter 03: "I know…Shuichi…I know…"  
  
  
  
Rain poured mercilessly from the reddish-black boundless night sky.  
  
Yuki Eiri was speeding his way along the expressway in his Mercedes Benz limousine. A feeling of anger and annoyance seized him. He was fuming, confused, and…hurt. He was hurt. Hurt by a pinky idiot, by a baka, by a pest, by…by his Shuichi. Shuichi had torn his soul. "Why can't he just tell me what's going wrong around here?"  
  
// Flashback //  
  
"What's wrong with Shindou Shuichi?" Yuki demanded. He was on the front door of Bad Luck's guitarist's, Hiroshi Nakano, apartment.  
  
"Yuki-san…what are you talking about…? Shuichi? What happened to him? You two didn't have a fight, did you?" Hiro replied…casually? It was obvious he was trying to change the topic of their conversation here.  
  
"No, we didn't and don't give me that. You KNOW what I am talking about."  
  
"I am sorry but I don't."  
  
Yuki was exasperated now. Fuck all this shit. Stop giving me all this shit. Stop telling me you do not know what the fucking wrong is with Shuichi. Stop telling me that he is fine. Stop telling me you do not know. Stop. Stop…  
  
"…Stop…STOP GIVING ME THIS FUCKING SHIT!" Yuki Eiri grabbed Hiro by the collar and lumped him to against the door. "WHAT'S GOING WRONG AROUND HERE? WHAT ARE YOU ALL HIDING FROM ME?"  
  
Hiro was in trepidation. He was overcome by fear. He was never this afraid…not even when learning Shuichi had…  
  
"I…Yuki-san…please…please understand…you've got to…if Shuichi…if he's not telling you…he doesn't want hurt you…please understand…"  
  
Silent tears rolled down along Hiro's cheek before landing on Yuki's gripping hand.  
  
// End of Flashback //  
  
Doesn't want to hurt me? But you are hurting me now…hurting me so much to see you in this state…hurting me so much to see you crying and pleading that you are alright when I know you aren't, Shuichi…  
  
Yuki sped faster and faster before losing control of his steering wheel, crashing towards the lamppost.  
  
A few kilometers away, Shindou Shuichi woke up with a jerk, only to hear the faint wailing of the ambulance.  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
It was quiet in the hospital at 2.10 a.m. Well, it had to be quiet.  
  
But the silence was broken by footsteps. Footsteps that were at a running pace.  
  
Shindou Shuichi ran towards the reception counter. He was exhausted. Imagine running to the hospital more than 5 streets across your apartment in 10 minutes. You have to be exhausted. However, our protagonist could not care less about his exhaustion. Fear and worries had overcome him that he no longer felt his exhaustion.  
  
"Ah…you…Yes? How can I help you?" The female receptionist inquired too politely to be on a night shift…or morning at this time.  
  
"…Yu…Yu…ah…Usegi Eiri-san…which room is he in? Hurry…"  
  
"Usegi-san…oh…room 273…ah…please don't run…its past visitor hours alrea…"  
  
Shindou Shuichi sped towards the elevator. "273…273…273…273…second floor…273…273…273…" Shuichi could no longer think clearly now…  
  
Shooting out of the lift as soon as it stopped at the second floor, Shuichi lurched himself towards the room with a name card stating "Room 273: Usegi Eiri"  
  
SLAM---  
  
"Yuuuukiiiiii~~~~~~~~~~!" Shuichi could not care less. All he wanted to do now is to scream at his kobito's name and hug him as tight as possible…of course…we certainly can picture that Shuichi would fail and slam himself onto the floor.  
  
"…Baka…" Usegi…Yuki Eiri, awoken by Shuichi's dramatic and…spastic entrance, sighed.  
  
"Yuuuukiiii…" Shuichi carried himself up, regaining his composure. "Are you alright, Yuki? Ne…Yuki…gods…is your head all right? You got quite a bump there…are you hurt anywhere else ne~?"  
  
"I am…hurt…somewhere else…"  
  
"Yuuuukii…where? Daijoubu? Where else are you hurt? Ne…Yuki?"  
  
Yuki took hold of Shuichi's bandaged right hand. God…its cold…it is shaking…  
  
"Here…" Yuki placed Shuichi's hand on his left chest where Shuichi can clearly feel Yuki's heartbeat…  
  
"Eh…?"  
  
"Baka…" Yuki Eiri pulled Shuichi and hugged him…closely…tightly…lovingly…  
  
"Yuki…ne…what's wrong…with you?" Awed by Yuki's actions, Shuichi sobbed. Yuki had never hugged him like this before. Not even when they reconciled after their fights and misunderstandings…not even when Yuki initiated sex with him…not even when Yuki cried for the first time in front of Shuichi half a year ago…  
  
"There's nothing wrong with me…but you…"  
  
Shuichi shook.  
  
"…Shuichi…What's the matter with you? Tell me…don't hurt me like that…I don't want to see you like that…"  
  
Silence fell. Shuichi was crying silently with his emerald eyes in contact with Yuki's gentle golden ones. He was moved and touched. His heart was filled warmth. He could finally feel that this man in front of him, though cold and ignorant, was in love with him. He could finally tell that this man in front of him, though mean and malevolent, cared and was concern about him. Yuki loves me. Yuki cares about me. Yuki…Yuki…  
  
"Yuki…" Shuichi embraced Eiri back as lovingly. "I…Yuki…I don't want to hurt you…I know you being through too much…I don't want to hurt you anymore…"  
  
"But you are hurting me that much now…hurting me by not telling me what are you suffering from…hurting me by lying to me…"  
  
"Yuki…I…I…I…only…I…I only have six…" Shuichi mumbled as he cried more and more painfully.  
  
"Six…what?" Yuki was feeling pain too. Not because on the bump of his head, but for the part of him that love Shuichi wholeheartedly tearing upon each of Shuichi's words…  
  
"Six…more…months…to live…Yuki…only six more…"  
  
"Shuichi…" Yuki knew what Shuichi was going to say…He knew Shuichi was going to say that…but, he was still praying hard…praying that he had mistaken…praying that this was all but a dream…a nightmare…praying that his cycle of pain would halt and not continue as Shuichi spoke.  
  
"Shuichi…why? Why six months?" Eiri could feel that Shuichi's hug was tighter every second, imploring for comfort. He could feel that his fragile lover was hurting as much as he was.  
  
"…I…I...got…I got…a…tumor…a tumor…in my head…if I don't…don't go for…an operation…I…I…have…only six…more…six…more…months…Yuki…but…I…I…don't want…I don't want to go for the operation…I don't want…I don't want to…huh?" Shuichi felt wetness on the back of his shirt. Yuki Eiri was crying. Tears were streaming down from Eiri's face…tears that were for Shuichi. Shuichi broke the embrace, gently wiping Yuki's tears with his thumb. Shuichi was hurting Yuki…bringing Yuki into the other side of the aquarium window where Yuki can only moved as if underwater – back and forth, back and forth – and looked out at the rest of the world through the glass, enveloped in a cold numbness.  
  
"Yuki…please…onegai…"  
  
"…Why? Shuichi…why…why don't you want to go for the operation…?"  
  
"Yuki…I…I…I…don't want to…because…I…the…operation…have…have…only…a 50-50 percentage…of…of success…Yuki…I don't want…I don't want to go…I want to live…even its for six months…I want to live happily with you…six…six months…will do…I…I…don't want…to shorten…shorten it…I don't want…I don't want to…"  
  
"Shuichi…you are…you…silly…foolish…baka…" Ironically for a writer, Yuki Eiri could not find words to describe Shuichi right now. All he could do was to embrace Shuichi again. He would not let go now. He would never let go…  
  
"I am…experiencing…symptoms…now…drowsiness…headaches…I…I feel numb…sometimes…Yuki…I am afraid…I am afraid…the reason…the reason for the condom…is because…I…I…I am afraid…that…you will…get…it…too…I don't want that…I am afraid…"  
  
"Shuichi…you are…so…stupid…cancer is neither infectious nor contagious…"  
  
"But…I…I…I am afraid…I am...Yuki…"  
  
"I know…Shuichi…I know…"  
  
Silence was introduced again. There was no need to say anything else. Yuki's lips seized that of Shuichi's. They needed the kiss. It was…their only way to comfort each other right now.  
  
The rain stopped…leaving what was of the air to be crisp and clean. Yet, the heavens still moaned… 


	4. 4

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to moi.  
  
Note: Chapter 4 here, hope you people like it. And no…the story's not going to end so soon. I wrote the last chapter already and I will continue writing this fic until it reaches the last chapter. I don't know how many chapters there are but I hope you all can read until the very end. Thank you! Oh yea, and I got my site up again recently. Please visit and give me some comments too about the site. The URL is http://pupu_78.pitas.com/  
  
  
  
Chapter 04: "I promise."  
  
  
  
"Tsumetai toki ga yume wo furaseru kono te no naka wo surinukete…" Shuichi sang through the mike wholeheartedly. This is their song. His and Yuki's. The song that brought them together...twice. It means a lot to Shuichi and perhaps…or maybe Yuki too. Shuichi was not sure. However, he was certain that he love this song more than any other composition he had done before. In fact, he regards it as the best.  
  
So were Hiro and Fujisaki, playing beside Shuichi all this while. They could always feel a surge of passion and drive enveloping them whenever the trio played this song. Perhaps it was because of this song that Bad Luck was saved from being disbanded…that they found out that there was more than what they thought was music…that they realized music was the bond of friendship and love…  
  
The three teenagers were performing live now…maybe and maybe not…for the last time… Soon, Shuichi would announce the temporary…or permanent…break up of Bad Luck right when they were at the peak of their popularity.  
  
Thinking of what he was going to say later, Shuichi broke down as he continued to sing…in a most quivering voice… His dreams, the years of hoping and longing ever since he came into contact with Sakuma Ryuichi and the success and joy he was going to enjoy were shattering now in his mind. This is it. This is the end of Bad Luck.  
  
// Flashback //  
  
"Hiro…Fujisaki…Sakano-san…and K…" Shindou Shuichi greeted his fellow colleagues in a trembling voice. "I…I…"  
  
"Shuichi…we will be winding up Bad Luck soon…" Hiro interrupted rudely. He knew what Shuichi was going to say. He predicted it. There was no need for Shuichi to be in turmoil, hurting and agitating himself. This is Hiro. He could never bear to see his best friend in a painful state of affliction.  
  
Surprised and even more when noticing the rest were as calm and silent as Hiro was, Shuichi could only get weak in the knees, fell down and cry. They knew everything and yet they did not blame him for it. It was, of course, not his fault, but Shuichi was trapped with his own guilt…Bad Luck had to end because of him…because of his stupid body that was deteriorating…  
  
"Shuichi…it's not your fault…" Hiro gave a warm comforting embrace to Shuichi, like he always does. Fujisaki could only look away, praying hard in his heart. Sakano-san patted Shuichi's back as he sobbed. K, for the first time, pointed at Shuichi with a handkerchief instead of a gun…  
  
//End of Flashback//  
  
With the guitar part ended with a silent note, the spotlight shut down and relights moments later upon Bad Luck. The fans screamed upon seeing their idols…  
  
"SHUIIIIIIIIICHIIIIIIIIIII~~~~!" … "HIIIIIIROOOOOOOOOO~~~"…"SUUUUGUUUURUUUU~~~!!!"  
  
There must be more than a million fans out there. Their popularity had been soaring ever since the relationship between Shuichi and Yuki was let out of the bag.  
  
Shuichi stepped out among the three towards the mike in front of them slowly…tiredly…  
  
"Minna-san…"Shuichi trembled as he spoke.  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
"And so Shindou Shuichi announced the break up of Bad Luck at their last stop of their all-Japan tour, leaving fangirls in disappointment. Why the end of Bad Luck now? Why the end at the peak of their popularity? Why---"  
  
The TV screen faded out as Yuki Eiri pressed the "OFF" button on the remote with much annoyance. He was in no mood now, getting up, walking towards the window from the crouch. Shuichi was crying…again…right in the middle of sex.  
  
Shit, I should have shut it off…  
  
It had been 3 days since Shuichi made the announcement. Bad Luck ends now. However, the media did not want to let go of Bad Luck…Shuichi to be specific. The paparazzi want to know why and thus creating thousands of rumors all over Japan to explain for this.  
  
"Did you break up with Yuki Eiri-sensei?" "Was it because of Yuki Eiri sensei?" "Was it something to do with Yuki Eiri sensei?"  
  
Fuck those reports. Fuck them all.  
  
Shuichi got up, wrapped his hands around Yuki's waist and rest his body weight on Yuki's back. "Gomen…*sob*you need a cigarette now?"  
  
"No…"  
  
"You are angry?"  
  
"No…"  
  
"I know you are…"  
  
"No…I am not…" Eiri was not angry. He was just…irritated.  
  
It had being 2 weeks since Eiri knew about Shuichi's tumor. He did not really have a good talk with Shuichi after that. Shuichi was busy with the scheduled tour.  
  
"Shuichi…"  
  
"Um…"Shuichi felt Yuki turn around and his smooth hands gently cupping his cheeks. He blushed as usual. He liked it always to have Yuki do that to him…it is the only gently action Yuki would do to Shuichi…most of the times, Yuki treats him with an unfeeling attitude, even during sex.  
  
"Go…" Yuki hide his eyes away from Shuichi.  
  
"Yuki…?"  
  
"Go…go for the operation…"  
  
"…No…I told you already…I won't…" Shuichi was going to break down again. In the nick to time, Yuki pulled Shuichi into his embrace to stop that.  
  
"Its…its not enough…Shuichi…"  
  
"…I don't want Yuki…I don't want to shorten…" Shuichi ignored what Yuki said.  
  
"But six months isn't enough, Shuichi! I don't want to have you for only six more months!!" Yuki raised his voice just a little but it was enough to make Shuichi jumped.  
  
"Six months is not enough, Shuichi…I am not satisfied…I want…I want more. I want to hold you like this in future, not only for six more months. Do you understand?" Yuki hugged Shuichi ever tighter.  
  
"Yu…ki…" Shuichi cried finally on Yuki's chest. Six months is not enough for Shuichi too. He wants to make breakfast for Yuki for more than six months. He wants to wake Yuki up in the afternoon, biting his ear for more than six months. He wants to be teased with lust during sex by Yuki for more than six months. He wants to have small quarrels with Yuki for more that six months. He wants…so much more too.  
  
"Go for the operation, Shuichi. Even it's a 50-50 odds, you…we've got to go for it." Yuki pointed his eyes into Shuichi's. They were getting warmer. Yuki's golden eyes were getting warmer ever since Shuichi told him about the tumor. They were never so before.  
  
"But…Yuki…I am afraid…"  
  
"Remember the pact you made to me in New York? You said you would find me wherever I am, dead or alive. Remember?"  
  
Shuichi nodded.  
  
"I…I will…"  
  
"Yuki…"  
  
"I will find you too. No matter where you are, dead or alive. I will find you too, Shuichi. I promise."  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
"I see…so Shindou-san got a tumor…Thank you…Yes…Thank you…Ja, mata."  
  
Seguchi Tohma put down the phone in his office, turned his armchair around facing the night scenery of Tokyo in front of him. He could see Tokyo Tower most clearly from the 42nd floor office. It was shimmering…in solitude…  
  
"Eiri-san…" The N-G Corporation's president whispered before getting up. He left his office, leaving the lights on until he returns back next morning…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
To be continued… 


	5. 5

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me.  
  
Note: Chapter 5 ne…is…urm…a little…I don't know…I don't like this chapter…Well…Anyways, please R & R!! And oh yea, I need someone to help me with the grammar…Can someone help me? Give me a mail okies?  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter05: "…Ha…haha…hahahahaha…"  
  
  
  
  
  
Yuki Eiri nudged Shuichi aside gently as he get himself out of bed, leaving Shuichi in the warmth he laid behind. He perambulated around his bedroom for a short while before deciding on getting himself a beer from the kitchen's fridge. He moseyed lazily towards his study room after pulling out a can.  
  
His laptop was in standby mode and on a tab of the enter key revealed what was written of his newest work to be only 54 pages of nonsensical crap.  
  
"What have I been writing…" he sighed. Too many events had occurred recently. Too many to make Yuki more than exhausted, unable to account and analyze what had happened. He was in no mood to write at all now. He wanted to sleep but he couldn't…not when he was sleeping next to his lover whom he knew was dying… Lover? Since when did he recognize Shuichi as his lover? Since when did he care so much about Shuichi? Didn't he want to get rid of this annoying pest a long time ago? Didn't he want Shuichi to be out of his life a long time ago? Shuichi reminded him too much of Kitazawa Yuki…too much that it hurts him… But now…Shuichi would not be pestering him six months later…six months…six months…  
  
"Shit…" Yuki felt tears overflowing from his eyes.  
  
Why am I crying? Why the tears? What the fuck are these tears for? For Shuichi? Why?  
  
// "I want to hold you like this in future, not only for six more months."  
  
"I will find you too. No matter where you are, dead or alive. I will find you too, Shuichi. I promise." //  
  
Why did I say all that? I promise? So what if I did? Find him? What if he is really dead? Will I find him? Fuck. What is wrong with me? What the fucking wrong is with me?  
  
The more Yuki think, the faster the tears flowed. He clenched his fists. He should not be crying. He did not like to cry. It made him vulnerable…edgy…stupid. It made him un-Yuki.  
  
"Shuichi…" Suddenly, Yuki's mind was blocked. Blocked by memories and thoughts of Shuichi. How they first met…how their relationship started…how Shuichi started living with him…how Shuichi lost and found him again…how…how…how…  
  
That cute kawaii baby-face…those large trusting emerald eyes…the soft amazing lips that made Eiri swoon with lust…Shuichi…Shuichi…Shuichi…  
  
"Don't leave me too…Shuichi…" Yuki whispered, half wishing that Shuichi in his…their bedroom would hear him.  
  
  
  
"DING----" The doorbell went ringing in the middle of the night. At first, Eiri wanted to ignore it but decide upon answering it anyway after a second thought.  
  
"Tohma…"  
  
It was Seguchi Tohma at the door, in his typical almost glamorous outfit. It is hard to believe that anyone would wear an outfit as resplendent as that on a night like this. But no…certainly not on Seguchi Tohma, N-G Corporation's president. It would be…abnormal instead if he appears without his frills, hats and scarves.  
  
"Konbawa, Eiri-san." Tohma replied in the same calm feminine voice he always has.  
  
"What do you want?" Eiri inquired as he ambulated towards the blue-black leather crouch in the living room.  
  
"…It's about Shindou-san, he is sleeping?"  
  
Eiri did not answer, drinking his beer he pulled out just now.  
  
"…I presume it's a yes…" Tohma shut the door but remained standing at the doorway, crossing his arms, watching Eiri's back as he sat down on the crouch.  
  
"…You know about it already…" Eiri stated soberly.  
  
"…Yes, I do."  
  
"…And I assume N-G will suffer some heavy losses…"  
  
"…As a matter of fact, yes. But I am not here to talk about N-G's losses tonight. I am here to have a little chat about you and Shindou-san."  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
The gentle soothing morning sunlight shone through veil, landing softly of Shuichi's face. Yuki gently stoked Shuichi's cheek, shaping a mini 'U' back and forth on it.  
  
"Un…Yu…Yuki…" Shuichi's eyes lid unveiled slowly, revealing of what was of the blurred V-shaped contour to be Yuki's face. Shuichi smiled broadly at Yuki. He did not have to go to work today…no…anymore. He can stay at home now, spending quality time with Yuki. Eat with Yuki… Cook for Yuki… Clean the house for Yuki…Watch TV with Yuki…Chat with Yuki (which is highly impossible)…Jam his newly bought Playstation 2 with Yuki (more impossible)…Make up for all the time they had lost when Shuichi had to work. For once, just this once, Shuichi was thankful for the tumor in his brain…  
  
"I'll go make breakfast now…" Shuichi got up, composed himself before deciding upon what to make for the morning.  
  
"Wait…" Yuki grabbed Shuichi's arm and pulled him close for a hug and a passionate kiss. A kiss conveying messages of love and pain. A kiss imploring for love in return. A kiss that was different from the hundreds and thousands of kisses Yuki had gave to Shuichi before. Shuichi could feel Yuki's breath lost in his own and it revitalized his whole body with heat. Time seemed to have stopped. The morning dew froze. The world seemed to have halted in a silent note. Everything was so quiet.  
  
"Mm…u…u…ki…I…I…can't breathe…Yuki…" Shuichi finally managed to speak after Yuki broke off the long kiss, teasing Shuichi's lips with his own lightly.  
  
"Then don't…" Yuki's mouth grabbed that of Shuichi again, pushing him back on bed slowly again. So soft…his lips were so soft…and the taste…a sour yet sweet taste…the taste of Shuichi.  
  
Yuki felt a sudden surge of wanting Shuichi so badly. He could not get enough of Shuichi. He wanted more. He wanted this moment to last forever. However, he was not going to rush things. He was going to take it one-step at a time, at a gentle pace.  
  
And Shuichi was accommodating to that. He was enjoying this as much as Yuki was. In fact, he felt overwhelmed as Yuki rested his weight on his body.  
  
Shuichi moaned as Yuki parted from his lips, sucking his puny Adam's apple after licking and tasting his way along the contour of his neck. Eiri was mesmerized and loving every bit of it. Eiri started to run his fingers into Shuichi's navy blue singlet, finding its way towards Shuichi's erected nipples and gently tickling it with his fingertips. Shuichi, on the other hand, slipped his fingers into Yuki's silky blond hair, sighing Yuki's name now and then as he felt Yuki's fingers working on his chest.  
  
Yuki pulled back slowly, taking off Shuichi's clothing while Shuichi unbuttoned his white Calvin Klein.  
  
"I didn't know you like to have sex in the morning." Shuichi broke off the silence, blushing just a little.  
  
"Now you know…" Yuki replied with a small smirk as he pushed himself against Shuichi once more.  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
The room was filled with vapors of lust. And as Yuki looked down at Shuichi who was as exhausted as he was, he could not help but kissed him again. Shuichi was so beautiful and fragile, like a shimmering crystal…so vulnerable…so exquisite.  
  
"Yuki…I love you…"Shuichi whispered softly to Eiri's ear as the latter rested on him, hugging him softly.  
  
"Mm…" Yuki's voice was muffled in the sheets.  
  
"Really…I do…Yuki…"  
  
"Mm…"  
  
//Flashback//  
  
"You have to break up with Shindou-san now." Tohma stated.  
  
Yuki Eiri stayed silent.  
  
"He's going to hurt you again and I won't allow that."  
  
Eiri gulped his beer, still staying silent.  
  
"I swore to protect you. Even if it would risk my life, I won't allow anyone to hurt you again."  
  
"…I know…" Eiri replied softly.  
  
"Leave him. Mika-san won't want to see you hurt. No one would want to see you hurt."  
  
Eiri got up from the crouch, carried his legs to the balcony, watching unfeelingly at the starry night scenery before him. He was unaware that Tohma was staring at his back gently, noticing its loneliness and melancholy as it cast a shadow in the living room through the moonlight.  
  
"Shindou-san won't want to see you hurt too, I guess." Tohma raised his voice just a little as he emphasized on the "Shindou-san".  
  
Silence lingered on for a moment before…  
  
"Leave him." Tohma repeated once more.  
  
//End of Flashback//  
  
"Yuki…I really have to get up now." Shuichi patted his lover's back. Yuki was still lying on top of him.  
  
There was no answer.  
  
"Yuki…Yuki…? Are you sleeping, Yuki?" Shuichi patted once more.  
  
%% "You've got to leave him." %%  
  
"Ne…Yuki? What's wrong, Yuki? Ne?"  
  
%% "Listen to me, he's going to hurt you again!" %%  
  
"Yuki? Are you alright?"  
  
%%"Don't you understand? You will be broken! You will fall apart! You may even be dead!" %%  
  
"Yuki?"  
  
%%"Eiri-san?" %%  
  
"Uru…" Eiri breathed.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
%%"What?" %%  
  
"URUSAI!!!" Eiri bellowed, scratching Shuichi's eardrums.  
  
"Itai…Yuki…Ah…Gomen…I'll be quiet now…I…"  
  
%%"Leave him or I'll make him leave you." %%  
  
"NO!! NOOOOOOOOO!!" Eiri yelled as he pushed himself up, sweating with fear.  
  
"YUKI! Are you alright? What's wrong?" Shuichi cupped Eiri's cheek to bring him back to senses. He was in awed of the frantic man on top of him.  
  
"………Shu…Shuichi…?" Yuki looked down as he felt Shuichi's warm hands.  
  
"Are you alright? Don't scare me like that, Yuki." Shuichi inquired with a worried expression hanging on his face.  
  
"…Shuichi…You…You are…You are still here…"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Don't leave me…don't leave me! DON'T LEAVE ME TOO!" Yuki screamed frantically as he caressed Shuichi tightly.  
  
"Yuki…ne…you are suffocating me…"  
  
Shocked, Yuki let off some space for Shuichi to breathe and turned away, hiding his face.  
  
"Yuki…urm…are you alright? You are scaring me…"  
  
Yuki kept quiet again.  
  
Weird…this is so weird. What's going on? What's happening to Yuki? Why is he so…afraid?  
  
"Yu…" Shuichi was interrupted by Yuki's embrace.  
  
"Shuichi…I know now…I finally know why now…"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I…I…"  
  
"Yuki?"  
  
"I love you, Shuichi."  
  
"Yu…ki…?" Shuichi's eyes lit up with surprise.  
  
"I love you. I love you. I love you so much. I don't want you to leave me, Shuichi. I don't want that. Please…don't leave me…don't leave me…" Eiri squeezed Shuichi tighter.  
  
Shuichi was confused. Yuki was practically frantic this morning. First, he had sex with him suddenly. Then, he started screaming like a mad dog. Now, Yuki said…  
  
"Yuuuuuuuuuuuukkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~~~~~~~~! I love you! I love you! I love you too~!" Shuichi regained all his genki-ness suddenly and jumped on Yuki.  
  
"Ah…baka…"  
  
"Ah…sumimasen…" Shuichi got up clumsily.  
  
"…Ha…haha…hahahahaha…" Yuki laughed…for the first time…before Shuichi…  
  
"Yu…ki…? You…you laughed…you…" Shuichi could not help but jumped on Eiri again.  
  
"Ah…careful…"  
  
"Ne…Yuki…you laughed…and you…you said you love me…I…I…I am soooooooooooo happy…Yuuuuukkiiiiii…*sob*" Shuichi was crying with happiness now. He was not going to get up this time round.  
  
"Baka…" Yuki Eiri blushed. He was a little shocked by himself too this morning.  
  
The lovers were in warm embrace now. Nothing was going to separate them now. Not even when they found out they were still naked…  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
"Mah…Yuki…" Shuichi spoke after swallowing his whole lunch down. He was hungry. How can you not be after such a tiring morning?  
  
"I have reached a decision, Yuki."  
  
"Hm?" Yuki Eiri was back to his old self --- cold and composed. But he knew…no…both him and Shuichi knew many things had changed.  
  
"I decided…I am going for the operation."  
  
"Ah…"  
  
"You are right. Six months ain't enough at all. It is not enough for us…especially now…" Shuichi's flustered, without noticing Yuki to be right in front of him now.  
  
"Shuichi. You will get better. I know you will." Yuki placed his hands on Shuichi's as he spoke.  
  
"Mm. I will." Shuichi's cheeks went red as he agreed.  
  
"Mm…I need to go back to my work now. You…come with me?"  
  
"CAN I?!" Shuichi was surprised. He was never allowed to be with Yuki when he was writing.  
  
Eiri nodded before turning around and headed towards the study room.  
  
"YAY~! AH…I'll do the dishes first~!" Shuichi exclaimed excitedly. Yuki is opening up to him now. Maybe having a tumor ain't so bad after all…  
  
CLINK---CLANK---  
  
"Huh…Yu…Yu…YUUUUUUUKIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!" Shuichi screamed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
To be continued… 


	6. 6

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me.  
  
Notes: Chapter 06 is up finally! I got a block when writing this chapter. I got too many ideas on how the story should continue but I finally chose one that I like and here it is. TAH-DAH~! Hehe…anyways, sorry for the late update. Oh yea, and this story gonna make the characters (especially Yuki _) a little OOC…I mean people change when something big happen in their lives and Yuki will change a lot, I believe, when he knew one day Shuichi was going to leave him forever and stuff…so…its just my opinion…hehe…anyways, enjoy the story (I hope _)!! And as usual, please R&R and pardon my grammar. =)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 06: "I need you…Shuichi."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Nakano Hiroshi sped his Harley towards the hospital…for the fourth time this month. The first was when Shuichi fainted during a shooting. The second was to get Shuichi's medical report. Shuichi's collapse during a recording made the third. And now, this…  
  
Shuichi…his childhood friend. How long had they been friends? Hiro could not recall. It seemed like a long time ago. It seemed like they were born to be friends…destined to be partners…made for each other. They compromised for each other like two fitting jigsaw piece -- genius and idiot, calm and temperamental, logical and illogical. Where else can you find such a perfect duo?  
  
But now…Shuichi…his best friend…his soul mate…was ill. Shuichi contracted a brain tumor. It was killing him softly, not only physically but mentally too. The fear of death. The fear of never to be able to exist in this world anymore. The fear of the unknown. But the worst of all was the fear of unable to see your loved ones again. Hiro knew Shuichi too well. Shuichi only feared of never seeing Yuki Eiri again. Ever since they met more than half a year ago, Shuichi's life was impacted with fulfillments of dreams and love. The dream of singing. The love for Yuki Eiri.  
  
// "Yuki Eiri. One of the most famous romance writer in Japan right now, adored by females ranging from infatuated students to lonely housewives. No wonder he criticized your lyrics ne…"//  
  
Hiro was the one that introduced Yuki to Shuichi…indirectly. He was the one who told Shuichi who Yuki was. He was the first to encourage Shuichi to admit his feelings towards Yuki. He was the one who supported Yuki-Shuichi relationship right from the start. He…He was the one who caused Shuichi's pain now… If he didn't tell Shuichi about Yuki…if he didn't encourage Shuichi to reveal his feelings… If he didn't support their relationship…  
  
But all was lost. Shuichi was madly in love with Yuki. A goner even before the relationship started. And Hiro knew. Hiro knew Shuichi would lose himself in Yuki. Hiro knew if their relationship ended in any way, Shuichi would be hurt in the very end. What Hiro did not know was that the relationship was going to end like this…no…maybe not…maybe Shuichi would live…maybe they would not be separated after all…maybe… Hiro stopped thinking. There was no verdict to this debate in his mind. Only time would tell…  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
Coldness ravished Hiro as he arrived at room 114. There was Shindou Shuichi, with a bandage over his eyes, lying quietly on the dull bed beside the window. And beside him was Yuki Eiri, holding onto Shuichi's hands, with the usual cool expression hanging over the face. Or was there a cloud of melancholy over it?  
  
"Is he alright?" Hiro asked softly.  
  
Yuki turned back, even though he already knew who was at the door, acknowledging presence of Hiro before he spoke.  
  
"…Not good. The tumor has affected the photoreceptor cells. He…he…cannot…see…anymore…" Eiri replied faintly as he strengthened his hold on Shuichi's hands. An awkward silence crept into the ward. There was nothing else to say…nothing between Yuki Eiri and Nakano Hiroshi. Their conversation topic revolved only around Shuichi…always…as a lover…as a friend. Other than Shuichi, there was really nothing much more to talk about.  
  
"Ugh…yu…yu…YUUUKIIIII~! YUUUUUKIIIIII~, WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU?!" Shuichi was hysterical. You have to be when what you see in front of you is just an endless black pit. Shuichi's hands flew around him, searching in vain for his lover, without even noticing that Yuki was holding tight onto his right, trying hard to calm Shuichi down.  
  
"I am here…I am here, Shuichi…" Yuki had to use the tactic of hugging Shuichi tight to make his presence known in the end, tranquilizing the latter who was shivering and crying in fear.  
  
"Yuki…Yuki…" Shuichi was stumbled by words. This was one of the rare moments where Shindou Shuichi could not express his feelings properly. Fear, anger, desperation, love, calm, happy. They were all revolving around in Shuichi's mind.  
  
So was Yuki Eiri. He was a writer. An occupation that arrange words together in a coherent and narrative basis. A professional who uses words as his tools. Yet, he was lost with his tools now. All he could do was hug Shuichi, making Shuichi know that he was here for him, minimizing Shuichi's fear to the minimum and feeling Shuichi's pain.  
  
And, Hiro…he could only stand by the door, watching all this sadly. His mind was lost as well. He too wanted to hug Shuichi tight, comforting him. But he was not required for that now. Yuki Eiri was here to do that. He was the right person to do that. He was what Shuichi needed now. And Hiro…he could only watch. He could only watch and pray…pray that God would have mercy on his friend.  
  
Please let this be enough. Please by robbing away his eyes is enough…  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
"Shuichi…" Yuki called out softly, lifting the heavy silence in his living room. Shuichi was lying down on the couch, looking…no…facing aimlessly at the ceiling. They had returned to their home after three days of hospitalization. And Shuichi had been quiet for three whole days, establishing a feat in the Guinness Book of Records. But Yuki had neither time nor mood to publicize that. He was worried. Yes, worried for Shuichi he was. He had never seen the kid in deep silence before. That was what he did, not Shuichi. Thus, he was worried and perhaps deep down inside, he was afraid too.  
  
Yuki was never fearful of anything in his life. Well…except that when he was younger, he dreaded sleeping in the dark and the occasional fits he get when forced to eat celery. Other than that, he was never afraid. But now…he was…just a little… Shuichi's conditions were really scaring him. There was Shuichi. Quiet. Faint breathing. Pale. Bandaged eyes. Lips cracking. Thinner than usual. Not responding. Silent.  
  
"Shuichi…can you hear me…?" Yuki forwarded himself to the couch and held Shuichi's hands. Cold. Dry. Lifeless.  
  
"Shuichi…" Yuki increased his volume a little as if summoning the soul of Shuichi back to where it belongs. "SHUICHI!!"  
  
Silence. No response.  
  
"…Shuichi…" Yuki called out again…softer now…sighing…giving up. It was no use. He had been calling for him for three goddamn days. And the response had been nil for three goddamn days.  
  
It was understandable for Shuichi to be silent…lifeless. He had lost his eyes. He could no longer see. His fans…his friends…his family…his Yuki…All of them had disappeared from him. All there was left was a bottomless black pit. Hope was gone. Help had vanished. He was all alone. Alone in the dark. Devastated. No…more than devastated. Apprehensive. No…greater than apprehensiveness. Fear. No…much worse than fear. God damn it! He could no longer see! The world was gone. Everything was gone. Yuki was gone. Nothing…nothing left… And right after thinking that there was nothing left…he recalled that he was dying. A tumor was killing him. He was going to vanish from the face of the earth. He was going to become a memory.  
  
"…Yu…ki…" The first word after three days of pain and depression was whispered slowly from Shuichi's dry mouth.  
  
"Shuichi!" Eiri jolted.  
  
"…I…I…am…going…I am…going to become…a…a memory…am I?" Tears were wetting the bandage on Shuichi's eyes.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"…I…am…going…to…to…die…am I?" Tears were flooding fast. They were never so painful to flow out. It was killing Shuichi's eyes. Eyes? He had lost them, hadn't he?  
  
"…Shuichi…" For the sixth time in the past ten minutes and thirteen seconds, Eiri called his name.  
  
"…I…am…am…going…to…to…die…haha…I am…going to die…hahaha…die…hahahahaha…"  
  
"SHUICHI!!" The seventh time. Yuki shook Shuichi, trying in vain to wake Shuichi from his trance. "No…you are not…don't…don't do this…don't…" Lost again with words. Yuki was suspicious how the hell did he qualify to be "the greatest romance writer in Japan".  
  
"…Yu…Yuki…Yuki…*sob*…*sob*…Yuki…YUUUUUUUUUUKKIIIIIIIIIIIII~~~~~!!!" After scanning around Yuki's face frantically with his shivering hands, Shuichi screamed as he pushed himself into his lover's embrace.  
  
And Yuki felt the pain Shuichi was endearing as he sensed the boy's lachrymose heartbeat ringing on his chest. God…what could he do now? How could he lessen Shuichi's pain? He did not know. He begged now that someone could help him out here…but he suddenly remembered Shuichi was the only one to come whenever he needed help. No one else would come to the rescue. Only Shuichi. But now…Shuichi…Shuichi…his Shuichi…  
  
"…*sob*…I am…scared…Yuki…I…am so…scared…Yuki…*sob*…I…can't see anything…I am…scared…Yuki…" Shuichi cried more miserably than ever, sobbing his words.  
  
"I know…" That was all Yuki could say. He could only acknowledge Shuichi's fears and hugged him tighter. He did not know what to do now. Fuck. He could not even comfort Shuichi now. What was the matter with him? Pride getting in the way? Hell no! Fuck. Fuck himself.  
  
"Shuichi…I…I…"  
  
"…Yuki…*sob*…I am…scared…Yuki…" Shuichi continued his whimpering.  
  
"…Shuichi…please…stop this…I know…I know you are scared…I know…" Yuki was still considering what was best to say.  
  
"Yuki…*sob*…I don't wanna go for…*sob*… the operation anymore…I don't want to anymore…"  
  
"What?!" Yuki exclaimed, shocked.  
  
"I don't want to…I don't want to…*sob*…I don't want to…"  
  
"SHUICHI! FUCK! WHY?!" Yuki pushed himself away as he roared. Shit. Not now…Shuichi had to go for the op. If he didn't…if he didn't…  
  
"…Yu…Yuki…" Shuichi was startled by Yuki's volume, imaging an annoyed Yuki giving a piercing stare on him in his mind.  
  
But he was wrong. A most hurt and dejected look was hanging on Eiri's facial expression. Not going for the op meant Shuichi was going leave him like Yuki did. Not going for the op meant he was going to be hurt again like he did six years ago. Not going for the op meant he was going to lose Shuichi in six months…no…5 months and a week. No…he would not allow that. Fucking no. Shuichi meant too much to him. Shuichi was what he lived for now. Shuichi was what he learnt to love now. Shuichi was so precious to him now. Shuichi was…his life…his everything. Shuichi was his. He was not going to lose his possession.  
  
"…I…I…am…so…sorry…" Shuichi blurted out sadly.  
  
"Shit…" Yuki hated himself now. Why the hell did he raise his voice? Shuichi was inflicted with enough pain already. Why the heck did he shout at him to hurt him even more now?  
  
"…So…Sorry…*sob*" Shuichi could sense Yuki's annoyance without even seeing him.  
  
"Hell…can you stop apologizing for a minute?" It was Yuki's fault.  
  
"…*sob*…so…sorry…" Shuichi could not stop crying…nor apologizing.  
  
"FUCK!" Yuki banged the coffee table hard. He was definitely exasperated now. This was making him a moronic bastard.  
  
"…Yu…Yuki…I…I…am…ugh…"  
  
Yuki grabbed Shuichi for a buss before he could continue his apologies. This had been and was the only way to stop Shuichi from talking. But the kiss deviated its objective to an expression of love and passion between the two lovers later, leaving both of them swooned breathlessly.  
  
"…Shuichi…" Eiri whispered softly to Shuichi's right ear after they broke the kiss for a warm hug.  
  
"…Yuki…I really don't want to go for the op…" Shuichi's tears had stopped but he was still trembling hard.  
  
"…Why…?" Yuki asked gently, working hard to suppress his frustration. "Didn't you just say you want to do it three days ago? Why do you want to back out now?"  
  
"…Yuki…I…I don't…know…I…I…"  
  
Yuki caressed Shuichi even tighter as a sign of comfort so that Shuichi would continue his reasons.  
  
"…I don't have…the confidence anymore…After all this had happened…I don't have confidence anymore…I am scared…I can't see now…I am really scared that I will not even be able to feel Yuki anymore. I am scared that I will not be able to hear Yuki anymore. I…I…don't have the…confidence…I…" Shuichi could not longer continue. He hugged back as tight in order to control his tears from flowing. He had cried enough already.  
  
A long silence fell before Yuki pushed Shuichi aside, inserted his hand into his pocket, and brought out what seemed to be a small blue cubic box with an ocean blue ribbon tight neatly on top.  
  
"Feel this?" Yuki placed the box on Shuichi's hands gently and started untying the ribbon slowly.  
  
"Open it." Yuki said faintly after Shuichi acknowledged feeling the box and he had finished undoing the knot.  
  
Shuichi lifted the top and felt its content to be something cold and sharp with a round contour of some metal below it. He knew what it was even without his eyes.  
  
"Yu…Yuki…?" His voice trembled more than ever.  
  
Yuki removed the diamond ring from the box and put it on Shuichi's left ring finger before giving him another embrace.  
  
"I need you…Shuichi." He breathed into Shuichi's ear again before having se…no…making love to him.  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
"Wait here. I'll be back in a moment." Yuki Eiri ordered before going to the reception counter to fill in Shuichi's particulars.  
  
Yes, Shuichi was going for the op…after much persuasion from his family, colleagues, Hiro and of course Yuki. Come to think of it, it seemed that Yuki's ring was the one that did almost three-quarters of the persuasion. Shuichi was sitting obediently on the bench beside the first floor's automatic drink vending machine. He almost got himself lost twice this week already due to his handicap. He knew he had to be obedient now. A week of blindness…Shuichi had experienced so much this week. Fear, love, anger, happiness, desolation and joy.  
  
"Who's there?" Shuichi sensed the presence of someone nearby. His other senses had been more sensitive after losing his sight.  
  
"…How are you? Shindou-san."  
  
"…Se…Seguchi-san…" Shuichi was rather shocked to know Tohma was here. He took off his shades, grabbed his walking stick and stood up abruptly. It had always been his habit to tense up when knowing Seguchi Tohma was here.  
  
"Please sit down…I'll leave after I finish what I have to say." Tohma, in his usual fluffy wardrobe, helped Shuichi back to his seat gentlemanly.  
  
"…Yes…Seguchi-san?" Shuichi asked after being seated again.  
  
"Leave…"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Leave Eiri now."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
To be continued… 


	7. 7

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me.  
  
Notes: Got quite a few things to say here. First, thank you very much on the many "kind words" on Tohma from the reviews of the last chapter. Haha…Tohma's notorious eh…Next, here is chapter 07. This IS a lousy chapter. It's something I came up with to slow down the storyline a little. BUT I promise we'll get back on track in chapter 08 cos' SOMETHING BIG is going to happen and it will lead to the ending of the story (which is about 2-4 chapters away from 08). So I am going to end the story soon and I hope you people can read till the very end. SO~! Even though this is a lousy chapter, please do R&R. Flame me, kill me and stab me with harsh reviews, I don't mind (although I will get upset and start whining). Just review and pardon the grammar as usual. Well…hope you people will enjoy(?) this chapter.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 07: "For myself. For…Eiri."  
  
  
  
"Eiri." Mika Seguchi's supposedly mellifluous voice screeched unusually. Loquacious as she always was, in Eiri's opinion, he was still much annoyed that his sister broke the silence in his house. He did not like the quietness of his house to be interrupted. He could not tolerate that. Mika was just too loud, like Shui…no…they were different.  
  
Even though he had the "genki-maniac" Shindou Shuichi under the same roof with him for the past year, Shuichi was considered not as loud as Mika was. Shuichi's babbles were just different. At least, they were babbles of exaltation of love for Eiri…and sometimes whimpers of annoyance and irritations of Eiri's coldness and harshness towards him too, of course. However, these were soothing hymns, unlike Mika's high-pitched complaints and sarcasms. Sure there were times when Eiri would like to mummified Shuichi's mouth and throw him out but his trap was of much preference than that of Mika's.  
  
"Eiri!" Mika called out again. Eiri decided to be ignorant as always. Being ignorant was the only effective way to make his sister shut her goddamn mouth. He got up from the couch, took the beer he had with him and strode back to his study room…ignorantly. And Mika received the message clearly. But, being the pompous "Tohma Seguchi's wife" she was and her inheritance of the arrogant genes of the Usegi family, she would not give up that easily.  
  
"Can you just hear me out for a minute? Eiri!" As Mika raced Eiri towards the study room, she could not help but raised her volume as a sign of irritation of her brother's ignorance. Eiri had crossed the limit. For the past half an hour, she had been trying hard to get her brother to talk and what she achieved was the cold treatment from him.  
  
"Shut up." Eiri replied coolly as he sat himself down on his armchair, turned around and face the wall. He was struggling to keep his composure. He wanted to explode and fuck the nonchalance that his mind was working out. But he didn't. He counted silently from one to ten as a mean to keep the cool-headedness linger for another moment.  
  
"Look, all of us are worried where that boy is. It is not only you who is suffering from all this. All of us are in it as well. Eiri…Eiri…are you listening to me?"  
  
Yeah right. Fuck your worries. And that boy is Shuichi. He's not a boy. He's more than that.  
  
"Eiri! Are you listening to me? Shuichi could not have gone far. He's blind and furthermore his body can no longer sustain long journeys. I am sure the police will find him soon."  
  
Stop it. He's not blind. He just…he just can't see. That's all. Police? Damn the cops. It's been more than two days since he disappeared and those sons of the bitches haven't even got a clue to where he is. And good, call him Shuichi.  
  
"Eiri! God! Stop this! Stop this fucking cold treatment!"  
  
Mind your language, sister.  
  
"Eiri!"  
  
"I SAID SHUT UP!" That was it. Eiri exploded at last. He could no longer control himself as he turned and shred his sister with fiery piercing eyes. Not just eyes filled with anger, but eyes enveloped by grief, fear and worries too. Grief of Shuichi's conditions. Fear for Shuichi's life. Worries of Shuichi's well being. And Mika knew she had talked too much. She knew it was time to keep quiet. She knew her brother was overcame by anger and frustrations at the moment. She knew it was best to leave him alone for the moment.  
  
Silence fell into the study room. Heaviness of the atmosphere sank. The cold walls reflected the sheer quietness of the air. It seemed almost eternity before Mika…  
  
"Sorry." She left softly with an apology. Yuki Eiri's house was filled with silence, like what it had been thirty-five minutes ago.  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
"Na…Shuichi's missing? …Ma…YOSH! Kumagourou's gonna find him!' Ryuichi Sakuma flung himself towards the door with his pink bunny rabbit plush toy on his head. Thirties was his age range, yet, instead of maturity and manly guts, sparks of youth and childishness glittered around him, leaving people awed most of the times.  
  
But not for Nuriko Ukai, Ryuichi's Nittle Grasper band mate of more than ten years, who judged the latter as a baka with an intelligence quotient of not more than that of a three-year-old brat.  
  
"Hold on, Ryu-chan." Nuriko, in her most bizarre feminine ways, stopped Ryuichi from making one more step towards the door of Studio 4A of a local television station. "You are not going anywhere. Tohma's not here, so you better stay put here. And Shuichi's disappearance is none of your business. Besides, we've got an interview to do here in less than 25 minutes…make that 24 minutes."  
  
"But…but…Shuichi's my friend. As a friend, I must go help him…" Puffy puppy dog eyes popped out the "every-hit-hits-the-billboard" singer.  
  
"So what if he is…? You are not…"  
  
Nuriko had to stop. There was nothing more to say. Not to a 7 feet pink bunny rabbit in your hand and the owner of it was nowhere to be seen…in Studio 4B of a local television station.  
  
(Author's note: adapted from OVA 02. OVA 02 does not belong to me either. End of author's note)  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
"Tohma…"  
  
"Yes?" Seguchi Tohma replied resplendently to his wife, Seguchi Mika, opposite him. Lunch was what they were having. Some exquisite western restaurant was where they were.  
  
" It's about Eiri…and the boy." Mika answered back tiredly. Indeed, she was tired. Tired of seeing her brother in such a pathetic state once again. Tired to see her brother hurt once again. Tired of worrying that her brother would lock himself from the rest of the world once again. Mika had enough. "Where's the boy?"  
  
Silence interrupted their conversation for 3 minutes and 49 seconds.  
  
"…I don't know." Tohma decided to response to his wife's question.  
  
"I don't know too…"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Don't know whether you are doing the right thing, Tohma." Mika sighed in a less than satisfied tone.  
  
"I know what's best for the both of them." Tohma had lost his appetite, pushing away the half-finished sirloin steak in front of him. His trademarked smile was no longer hanging between his cheeks.  
  
"…I hope you do." Mika stood up, picked up her bag and left the restaurant leaving Tohma and her desserts behind.  
  
  
  
** ***  
  
  
  
For some reasons or another, the night scenery from fifth floor, President's office of N-G building always tranquilized Tohma, soothing his frustrations away little by little, bit by bit. It was neither exceptionally beautiful nor majestically appealing. But there was something divine that Tohma found in watching the black sea of drowned city lights. He wasn't too sure either.  
  
Tonight was one of those nights. Nights whereby the celebrated billion- dollar president would look down from his office's windows and let himself be overwhelmed by the slow locomotive city lights. Nights whereby the famed producer and keyboardist of the acclaimed Nittle Grasper tried to get things off his mind.  
  
Tohma knew. He knew a lot of things, including bad things of course. He knew he was unscrupulous. Doing whatever it takes to achieve his goals. He preferred to use the word "scheming" to describe himself. Scheming was what he was notorious and famous simultaneously in the industry. Yes, he was scheming in both his profession and his personal life and he would continue be so. He could not stop for that was his way of life, his survival skill. He liked to be scheming too. He loved to see things work out in weird ways. He would celebrate when his schemes achieved the results he wanted. And confidence was what he had to be scheming. He was always confident. Vibrantly confident of himself. That was his drive, his motivation.  
  
"Sigh…" Tohma shut his eyes for a rest. He was exhausted. He was burnt out. For the very first time of his life, he felt tired. He felt despondent. He felt the confidence he had was severely drained. His life was licked. He was licked. But by what? He did not know. He wished he did but no, he didn't. What he knew was that he could not stop now. He had to continue even if he was to be licked again. For himself. For…Eiri.  
  
"Am I...right?"  
  
"Kumagourou says you are always right, Tohma."  
  
"Ah…huh?!" A pink bunny rabbit plush toy jutted out in front of Tohma's desk. Beside it stood…  
  
"Ryu…Ryuichi…" Tohma jumped a little seeing his fellow band mate in his office, awed by how the singer was able to sneak into his office indistinctly. "When…when did you get…"  
  
"Ma…Tohma." The puffy puppy eyes were no longer in sight. The usual boyish grin was wiped out from the face. There stood a matured earnest man in his late thirties. Another jolt. Tohma was shaken by Ryuichi tonight. Was it because of the odd feelings he had tonight or was it because of Ryuichi's attitude…he didn't know. He was too surprised to know why.  
  
"Yes?" Tohma re-composed himself before answering.  
  
"You are always right, Tohma." Ryuichi stated dauntlessly, yet in a monotonous unfeeling tone.  
  
"Thank you, Ryuichi. Now…may I ask the reason for your presence here?" Sensing Ryuichi's difference tonight, Tohma formalized his tone of speech as a response.  
  
"I am here for Shuichi." Ryuichi paused for a moment before he continued. Still the dauntless unfeeling tone. He never had a conversation like this with Ryuichi before. It was like Ryuichi's words had a metaphoric gun pointed at his head. He felt uneasy with that.  
  
"What about Shuichi?"  
  
"Where is he?"  
  
Tohma shook yet again.  
  
Not Ryuichi too. Not you too, Ryuichi. Shuichi…Shuichi…Shuichi…Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I won't tell you where he is. I won't fucking tell anyone where he is. I won't. For myself. For…Eiri.  
  
"Tohma…where is he?"  
  
Shut up. I won't fucking tell you. Not even you, Ryuichi. Not you. Not Mika. Not everyone. What's the fucking problem here? Shuichi this. Shuichi that. I will kill him. I must kill him. For myself. For…Eiri.  
  
"Tohma…"  
  
"I don't know, Ryuichi. Pardon me but if there's nothing else, please take your leave."  
  
Time stopped ticking for a moment. There was a brief pause in the office.  
  
"Fine then…" Ryuichi turned to the door to leave. The monotone still lingered in his speech before…  
  
"You are always right, Tohma…That's what I…thought. Oyasumi, Tohma. Genki desu ne." He shut the door quietly, left the office, leaving Kumagourou and Tohma behind.  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
"The worst thing now is Shindou-san is nowhere to be found." Fujisaki stated to his fellow audience including Sakano, K and Hiro. The Bad Luck team excluding Shuichi was in the third conference room of N-G building, staying back after an administrative meeting about the future of Bad Luck and Hiro's debut in going solo.  
  
"Right when he had decided to go for the op…goodness, what was he thinking…? That idiot…" Hiro exclaimed. He was angry, of course. All his efforts in persuading his best friend had gone down the drain, wasted. Furthermore, he was mad that Shuichi made him worry again, that Shuichi made him fear again.  
  
"Ah…Shindou-san will be fine, Hiro-kun. The police haven't found any traces of Shindou-san yet. So he's probably fine for…." Sakano tried calming Hiro down before he was interrupted.  
  
"I think I know where Shuichi is…" K said matter-of-factly as he polished his new magnum. "Your company's president has him."  
  
"You mean Seguchi-san?"  
  
"Seguchi-san?"  
  
"President?"  
  
"That's right." K replied to the three shocked faces.  
  
"But why?" Hiro was the first to regained consciousness. "Why does Seguchi- san…"  
  
"Yuki Eiri." K interrupted in the matter-of-fact tone again. "To protect Yuki Eiri…like he did the last time."  
  
An utter stillness followed. Nobody knew what to say and neither do they feel like saying anything else. But the noiselessness was still broken in the end.  
  
"Shall we find him? I can go talk to Seguchi-san." Fujisaki was the one ending the tension.  
  
"No." Hiro rebutted.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Like I said before to Shuichi…the one who caused this must bear the responsibility."  
  
  
  
*** ***  
  
  
  
Rain drizzled down lightly and clearly. It was not pouring. No, it wasn't. Just a drizzle. The moonlight was still able to penetrate the clouds, quivering in the luminous silver waters on the grounds.  
  
Yuki Eiri was hooked up on the edge. He was over the edge actually.  
  
Another gulp of beer. It was the thirteenth or fourteenth can. He did not know. He had lost count.  
  
Another puff of cigarette. It was the tenth or eleventh cigarette. He did not know either. He had lost count of that too.  
  
Fuck.  
  
He could not stop thinking.  
  
He could not stop drinking.  
  
He could not stop smoking.  
  
He was one step to become hysterical as the seconds ticked away. It was like having a time bomb in the head and there was no knowing of what the time limit was.  
  
"Shuichi…" Yuki's voice shook the apartment inconspicuously.  
  
//  
  
Huh?  
  
Are you the one who wrote this?  
  
Huh…er…ye…yes.  
  
Is this supposed to be a love song? Your level is way below an elementary school kid.  
  
Your talent is zero. Give it up.  
  
//  
  
Do you want to commit suicide? Or do you want something from me? Which is it, kid?  
  
I'm Shindou Shuichi…I …  
  
Since you know what I'm talking about, then it doesn't matter what I call you.  
  
Though you don't look delicate enough to commit suicide.  
  
I…I just want to see you again.  
  
//  
  
Shut up.  
  
You annoyed me, asking why why why. That woman asked the same thing.  
  
How about you?  
  
Why do you appear in front of me so many times?  
  
Why do you look at me with those eyes?  
  
  
  
Tell me.  
  
//  
  
I just want to know more about you. I was only thinking of helping you.  
  
Liar.  
  
Helping me? Don't make me laugh. There's no such thing as not to expect something in return in this world.  
  
That's a big lie.  
  
Yuki…  
  
//  
  
Why…I don't understand you…  
  
You are the one that I don't understand. What do you want from me?  
  
//  
  
Baka baka baka baaaakaaa.  
  
Stop calling me "baka" It takes one to be a baka to know…  
  
But now, you are just a little kawaii.  
  
//  
  
There are many people who wanted to be with me. But you are the first to be this weird, unreasonable and idiotic.  
  
Ah…gomen, Yuki.  
  
But…I…just…  
  
//  
  
Oyasumi.  
  
//  
  
Yuki is MINE!!!  
  
//  
  
I mean that I'll be your lover.  
  
//  
  
Mika-san told me yesterday that I don't know anything about Yuki.  
  
But I didn't ask her anything because I want to know about you by myself. I want to know the truth from you.  
  
Mika-san…why did she say such things?  
  
From what she said, it seems like I must know something but yet, I don't know anything at all.  
  
Why is it, Yuki?  
  
I really want to know everything about you.  
  
//  
  
Forget it…I won't say I hate you anymore. I won't chase you out of here anymore.  
  
Yuki…  
  
I'll disappear.  
  
//  
  
I finally realized it.  
  
I love you.  
  
No matter what kind of a person you are or whatever past you have, Yuki is still Yuki.  
  
//  
  
You said…you love me?  
  
Now…can you still say the same thing?  
  
You are such an idiot.  
  
Huh?  
  
Of course I do. So what about the past?  
  
No matter how horrible or terrible your words are it's too late.  
  
You…can't leave me anymore.  
  
Now…do you still have the guts to marry someone else?  
  
//  
  
Shut up! Get back to where you are! Shuichi!  
  
You call me Shuichi…  
  
You call my name…  
  
//  
  
It's my fault…  
  
It's my fault that you…you suffer the same experience as I do…  
  
Yu…Yuki…  
  
I…I really want to be with you…  
  
But I can't. I don't want to remember the past.  
  
Because if I remember, I will be betrayed once again.  
  
I don't want…I don't want that…  
  
I don't want…to be back at that time…  
  
Yuki…  
  
//  
  
Six years?! Yuki you are so cool~! I cry once everyday, ya know.  
  
Ah…  
  
WAI~~~! You are so cooooooool!  
  
It's like you have a dark and sad past! Ah…you really have ONE~! AHAHAHAHAHAHA~~!  
  
//  
  
Heard that you are releasing your new album…  
  
Ah…yes…  
  
If your album sales exceed a million copies, I'll take you out for a date.  
  
//  
  
We are lovers.  
  
//  
  
I don't want Yuki to leave me but the more I don't want Yuki to suffer because of me. So…  
  
So…?  
  
//  
  
*snap*  
  
//  
  
This is my secret. So…are you happy now that you know everything? You always wanted to know everything, didn't you?  
  
Mm…  
  
…Good.  
  
…Yuki…  
  
//  
  
No matter where you are, be it dead or alive, I will find you.  
  
//  
  
Find you…  
  
"I will find you, Shuichi…" Yuki Eiri stood up and left with a soft "thud" on the door.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
To be continued… 


	8. 8

Chapter 08: Quiet.

Quiet.

Alone.

Solitude.

Then, interaction. 

Interaction.

Conversation. 

Conversation.

Conversation with the other him. 

With the other him, conversation was held. 

"This is it." 

"Is this it?"

"Yes, it is." 

"Oh…"

"… …"

"Are you happy?"

"Huh?"

"Are you happy…now?" 

"I don't know." 

"Are you truly satisfied with this?"

"I don't know."

"Is this enough?"

"I don't know."

"Do you love him?"

"I…do." 

"Do you love him?"

"I do."

Do you love him?"

"I do…"

"Do you love him?"

"…I do."

"Do you love him?"

"I do!"

"Do you love him?"

"I DO!" 

"Do you love him?"

"…why are you asking me this?"

"Do you love him?"

Conversation. 

Conversation.

Questions.

Queries.

Answers.

Responses. 

Conversation.

Conversation.

"I…I…do. I really do…"

"Does he love you?"

"……"

"Does he love you?"

"…he does."

"Does he love you?"

"Yes, he does."

"Does he love you?"

"He loves me."

"How can you be sure?"

"I can feel it."

"How can you feel it?"

"I can tell from how he treats me."

"Oh really…?"

"Yes."

"He hits you."

"He does."

"He criticizes you."

"He does."

"He scolds you."

"He does."

"He yells at you."

"He does."

"He kills you."

"…he does."

"He destroys you."

"…he does."

"You are dead."

"I am."

"So does he love you?"

"He does. For he kills me." 

"Love."

"Yes, love."

"Is that it?"

"Yes, it is."

Conversation.

Conversation.

"He will find me."

"He will?"

"Yes, he will."

"Do you want him to find you?"

"No…"

"Do you want him to find you?"

"No."

"Do you want him to find you?"

"…No…"

"Do you want him to find you?"

"…No…No…"

"Do you want him to find you?"

"…maybe."

"Do you want him to find you?"

"…yes…Yes."

"What will happen when he finds you?"

"He will kill me."

"He had killed you."

"He did."

"He had killed you."

"Yes, and he will kill me another time."

"Why torture yourself?"

"I am willing to."

"Why?"

"Because I love him."

"Why?"

"Because he loves me."

"Why?"

"Because I want him to kill me."

"Why?"

"Because nothing brings me more happiness than to die in his hands."

Conversation.

Conversation.

Ends. 

Ends?

Conversation.

Conversation.

"I will find him." 

"You will?"

"Yes."

"You will?"

"Yes, I will."

"Why?"

"Because I promised him."  
  


"Why?"

"I want to find him."

"Why?"

"I want him to be by my side."

"Why?"

"I want him back in my arms."

"Why?"

"Because he's hurt."

"Why?"

"Because he's hurt and I want to cradle him in my arms."

"Who hurt him?"

"God."

"Who hurt him?"

"Fate."

"Who hurt him?"

"God and fate."

"Who hurt him?"

"Shut up."

"Who hurt him?"

"I said shut up!" 

"Who hurt him?"

"Damn you!"

"Who hurt him?"

"……"

"Who hurt him?"

"…me…"

"Who hurt him?"

"I…"

"Who hurt him?"

"I hurt him."

"Why hurt him?"

"Because I…I don't know."

"Why hurt him?"

"Because…"

"Why hurt him?"

"I don't know."

"Why hurt him?"

"Because…I don't know. How the hell would I know?"

"Why hurt him?"

"Because…because I want him to leave."

"Why want him to leave?"

"Because he will be hurt by me."

  
"Why hurt him?"

"Because I don't want to be hurt again."

"Why hurt him?"

Because I don't want to be reminded of pain again."

"Selfish."

"I am."

"Cold."

"I am."

"Idiot."

"…I am."

Conversation. 

Conversation.

"Why find him to hurt him?

"No…I am not finding him to hurt him."

"Oh?"

"I want to hurt him no more."

"Oh?"

"I don't want to hurt him anymore."

"Oh?"

"I want to love him."

"You love him?"

"I don't know."

"You love him?"

"I want to."

"You said you love him?"

"I did?"

"You said you love him."

"I did."

"You love him."

"I do."

"You love him."

"I do."

"You will be hurt if you do."  
  


"I don't care."

"You will be hurt again by him, who you hurt to love and to leave you."

"I want to be hurt. At least, by him."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Why?"

"I…"

"Why?"

"Because nothing brings me more happiness than to die in his hands."

Conversation.

Conversation.

Ends.

Ends?

Conversation ends. 

He run.

He ran. 

He chase.  
  


He chased.

He threatens.

He threatened.

He threatens him to tell him where is he.

He threatened him to tell him where was he. 

She is with him.

She was with him.

She hugs him.

She hugged him. 

She tells him to stop. She tells him that she loves him. She tells him that he is no longer the Eiri he knows. She tells him to stop torturing. She tells him to let go. She tells him she has his child. She tells him to protect their child. She tells him to protect their child and him. She tells him to protect is to let go. She tells him to release. 

She told him to stop. She told him that she loved him. She told him that he was no longer the Eiri he knew. She told him to stop torturing. She told him to let go. She told him she had his child. She told him to protect their child. She told him to protect their child and him. She told him to protect is to let go. She told him to release.

He is in rage.

He was in rage.

He wants to kill.

He wanted to kill.

He hears what she says.

He heard what she said.

He says it is a lie.

He said it was a lie.

Liar. 

Liar. 

She slaps him.

She slapped him.

She crys.

She cried.  
  


She screams, "Wake up, Tohma!!"

She screamed, "Wake up, Tohma!"

She crys.

She cried.

He comes to her.

He came to her.

He hugs her.

He hugged her.

He crys.

He cried. 

He says, "I don't want to see Eiri hurt again. This is too cruel. This is too cruel…"

He said, "I don't want to see Eiri hurt again. This is too cruel. This is too cruel…"

He gives up.

He gave up.

He releases.

He released.

He hugs her.

He hugged her.

He says, "I am sorry. I love you."

He said, "I am sorry. I love you." 

He comes in with it and interrupts.

He came in with it and interrupted. 

He says he want to see him too.

He said he want to see him too.

They go to see him.

They went to see him.

They go to find him.

They went to find him. 

They find him.

They found him.

He lies there on the bed.

He lay there on the bed. 

He is quiet.

He was quiet.

He senses people.

He sensed people.

He jerks up. 

He jerked up.

He runs towards him and pulls him into his arms.

He ran towards him and pulled him into his arms.

He crys. 

He cried.

He crys.

He cried. 

He says he loves him.

He said he loved him.

He says he loves him too.

He said he loved him too. 

He says, "don't leave me anymore."

He said, "don't leave me anymore."

They are in embrace.

They were in embrace. 

He comes in with it and interrupts again.

He came in with it and interrupted again. 

He hugs him.

He hugged him.

He says, "Sakuma-san?"

He said, "Sakuma-san?"

He says yes. 

He said yes.

He tells him that he is stupid to leave. 

He told him that he was to stupid to leave. 

He tells him he has forgotten something.

He told him he had forgotten something.

He tells him he has forgot to pika-pika and out race him.

He told him he had forgot to pika-pika and out raced him. 

He smiles.

He smiled. 

He tells him he has forgotten something too.

He told him he had forgotten something too.

He tells him he has forgotten the promise he made to find him, no matter where he is.

He told him he had forgotten the promise he made to find him, no matter where he is. 

He pulls him into embrace again.

He pulled him into embrace again.   

They kiss.

They kissed. 

Passionate.

Passionate.

Long.

Long.

Lovingly.

Lovingly.

He lets go. 

He let go. 

He stares at him.

He stared at him.  
  


He says, "What?"

He said, "What?"

He replies, "Yuki…"

He replied, "Yuki…"

He answers, "Hm?"

He answered, "Hm?"

He repeats, "Yuki…Yuki…Yu…"

He repeated, "Yuki…Yuki…Yu…"

He repeats again,  "Yuki…Yuki…Yu…"

He repeated again,  "Yuki…Yuki…Yu…"

He says, "Yu…Yu…Yu…"

He said, "Yu…Yu…Yu…"

He stops.

He stopped.

He asks him

He asked him.

"Who are you?"

TBC.


	9. 9

Chapter09: Remembering the remembered. 

~Hiro~

Perhaps, it's for the best. Maybe all this is a blessing in disguise like what the old proverb says after all. If only this could have happened earlier, it would be much better than the predicament now. 

Amnesia - Anterograde Amnesia. 

A damaged Temporal Lobe. 

Partial Memory Loss. 

Forgetting...

Forgetting the unforgotten.

Forgetting the unforgiven.

Forgetting the love and hate. 

Forgetting the joy and pain.

Forgotten. 

Forgetting Yuki Eiri.

Yet, it is the best. To me, it's the best. To Fujisaki, it's the best. To K, it's the best. To Sakano-san, it's the best. To Sakuma-san, it's the best. To Nuriko-san, it's the best. To Seguchi-Mika-san, it's the best. To Seguchi-san, it's the best. To Shuichi, it's the best. 

There will be no pain. Shuichi will feel no pain. Nobody will feel any pain. Let the bygones be forgotten and be gone.

Shuichi will be fine. He will be. 

He will be.

*** ***

~Yuki~

_This is just too bad, isn't it? The happiness you thought would be yours is gone. Feh. Too bad._

... ...

_What's the matter? Shutting up won't do you any good. Won't do you any good at all. _

... ...

_Heh. Well, isn't this just too familiar? This feeling. The silence. The ignorance. Isn't this all too familiar? _

... ...

Was it...? Six years ago, wasn't it? Yes. six years and going to seven. I talked to you then too, right? It was our...little acquaintance. I've got to know you and you've got to know yourself. Ah...so it had been six years already. Remember how you tried to suppress me? How you fought and tried so hard and ended up crying there in the corner? I almost pitied you that time and take my leave. Ha. I admit I did underestimate you. Never thought you would create a new 'you', a new 'self' in you, or what I would call, an empty shell of solitude. Eh? Haha...hey, I am getting your literature genes from your mam! Haha...

... ...

Oh…still in silent mode I see. Don't worry, I have all the time in the world for you. Feh. You sure have become a tough one. Not the innocent sixteen chicken-wuss anymore, eh? Not the wishy-washy cry-baby anymore, huh? 

... ...

Feh. Oh please...drop that narcissus of yours...Remember how Yuki died? You fucking killed him, remember? Remember that gunshot? Remember the bloody scene? You haven't forgotten, have you? You killed him. You killed Yuki. You killed sensei. You are a murderer. 

... ...

Still keeping quiet? Oh alright. What's this? This Shindou Shuichi. Reminds you of Yuki eh? Heh. The way he keeps calling "Yuki, Yuki." The way he childishly jumps at you. The way he cares and loves you. Ha. Déjà vu, eh? Haha...Hahahaha...Hahahahahaha...

...Shut up.

Feh. What's the matter? Picked on your sore ass, did I? Hahahaha...hahahaha...

Shut up.

...You pathetic thing. 

Shut up...

Shuichi has forgot everything about you. 

Shut up...

You have hurt him to a state he no longer wants to remember you. 

Shut up...please...

He has chosen death over you. 

...Pl...please...shut...up...

And you found out he can fend himself so well without you, yet if you haven't meet him... 

...Please...

You will die. 

... ...

You will be torn.

... ...

You will let me take over you.

...Please.

For I am you.

... ...

*** 

~Shuichi~

Hm?

I woke up?

Heh...I can never know now.  Day and night doesn't make a difference to me anymore. All I see in front is just a pitch-black pit. Endless. Lost.  Alone. I try to be nonchalant about it. Try to picture out the faces of the people I talk to and the places I am in my mind all the time. It has always been like this ever since...ever since...

Ugh. My head hurts. I can't recall. When did I go blind? Ugh...shit...I can't think. What's happening to me? 

... ...

I am dying.

I know I am. I will get the shudders and jitters whenever I think of death. I don't want to die. What's going to happen after death? Never mind the after-life thingy, I am just afraid to die. Afraid that this colourful world will leave me. Hm? Heh…this colorful world has left me, hasn't it? Haha...

Ha...ha...

Hm? Am I crying again? Oh yea...my eyes are wet. 

... ...

Goddamnit. I've got to stop now. How I wish Hiro is here to keep me company, talk to me about his and Fujisaki's solo career and how everyone has been lately. I can be engaged in conversation and not get all this stupid shit thrusting into my fucked up mind. At least I won't cry like this.  

I have been crying too much lately…Hm? Have I been crying lately? Shit...Itai...

Ah...what's this? There's something cold stuck on my finger. It...It's a...a ring.

Why?

Why am I crying again? 

Why do I have this feeling in me? 

Why do I feel that as if I have forgotten something so important to me? 

... ...

Who...who gave me this...ring? Ugh...

Why...?

Why can't I remember?

What's the fucking wrong with me? 

Why am I crying so fucking hard? Why am I crying? Because I am dying? No...it can't be. This is different. It's different from fear. It isn't fear. This feeling; this weird nostalgia... as if...as if something in me have broken and torn apart. As if...as if...it is guilt. I feel like I...have hurt someone so important...so important to me. 

I am crying even harder now. 

I can't stop crying. 

I can't. 

What's wrong with me? 

*** 

~Tatshua~

This is the thirtieth time I rang the doorbell. Still not even a goddamn answer.  I've decided to give it one more shot. Sis got pregnant and all and gotta stay put in the ward. Tohma-kun's with her. They heard what happenedl. Tohma doesn't want to be involve in this anymore for god-knows-what-happened-to-his-Eiri-otaku-spirit. So I got myself kicked here, outside Aniki's flat, standing here for almost half an hour, jamming the doorbell like an idiot. 

BUZZ---

The door still won't open. That's it. I am forcing myself in. Ugh, there. Finally. 

It's cold. Fuck the cooler. What's Aniki thinking? 

Aniki! You in there? 

No reply. 

Hm? 

Somone's…crying? 

Aniki! Is that you? 

There. In the bedroom. Aniki...god...is that Aniki at all? Unshaved. White as a sheet. Thinner than usual. Silent. Teary. Laying there like a living dead on the bed, looking aimlessly at the cold ceiling. 

Aniki!

Aniki!!

Goddamnit! ANIKI!!

No reply.

ANIKI!!

Shit! Usegi Eiri!! Wake up! 

Aniki look up slowly. He is still in his daze. 

"...Shu...Shuichi?  Is...is that you? Shuichi..."

...Aniki...

"...Please...don't go...don't go...Shuichi...please...don't go...don't...please..."

I...I don't know what to say. This is the second time I see Aniki in this state. The first was six years ago. I still remember. He was like this too. Shut himself from the whole world. Responding only to the name...Yuki...The difference now is he is calling for Shuichi instead of Yuki...

Aniki was hurt. And he is hurt again. Just like six years ago. 

Shaking hard and whispering "Shuichi" under his breath non-stop as I help him from bed for a shower. Aniki is no longer himself. He is back to the innocent hurt child Usegi Eiri six years ago, far from the cool, resilient Yuki Eiri. 

Aniki...

"...Shuichi...don't go...Shuichi..."

Aniki!

"...Shuichi...don't go...Shuichi..."

Aniki!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!

I can't control it anymore. I need to wake him up.

"... ...Tatshua....Tatshua..."

I am shocked nevertheless. Never thought this was enough to stunt him out of it. Never thought Aniki would lean against me and started crying so hard. 

Aniki...stop tormenting yourself. It's not your fault. It's not yours. 

"...Tatshua...Shuichi...Shuichi left me...He had left me..."

Aniki...He haven't. It's not the end yet. Trust me, Aniki. 

"Shuichi..."

Aniki...Shuichi haven't left you yet. He haven't. He is still here, isn't he? His voice. His actions. His everything. In your mind. In your memories. Every single corner of this house. He is still here. You remember, don't you? What's important isn't what's being remembered, Aniki. What's important is you. That you remember the remembered. That you remember Shuichi. Shuichi lives in you, Aniki. He has and he wants to. Aniki...so please stop tormenting yourself...stop all this...

Please…

*** 

~Shuichi~

Hiro and co. visited me just now again. I am glad they did. I don't want to spend the end of my life crying over a ring. I don't want that...I don't want...

Shit. 

Can I STOP crying for a minute?!

Why do I feel the pain? What's wrong with me? Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY? 

I don't want to know why, yet I want to. I don't want to know why it hurt so much, yet I want to. I don't want to remember anything...remember? So...I have really forgotten something...God, I am crying even harder now. Stop...please...stop all this...My head hurts. My mind hurts. My heart hurts. I am hurting so much. Stop it...please...please...stop...

... ...

Who's there? 

"…Me." 

Who…who are you? 

This voice. Why does it sound so familiar? Why does my heart ache even more now? 

"Shuichi..."

Oh god...my head...it's killing me. Then...I feel this...man. He ran towards me and...and he...he hugged me. Oh god...I... am hugged by...by a...a MAN?! I try to push him away but I can't. He's too strong. He won't let me go. He...he...felt so...so warm...and I...I seem to know this warmth. I seem to know this warmth so well. I have been embraced by the very same warmth...a hundred times...a thousand times...a million times...And this scent of dirty cigarettes and whiskey. It's so...so familiar...so everyday...so common. Why? Oh god, why? Why did I go weak when this man hugged me? Why does his everything feel so familiar? 

...Why am I crying? 

"Shuichi...I..."

Why...?

Why do you feel so familiar? 

Why do I give in to you?

Why do I have the urge to hug you back as tight as you did?

Why do I feel so painful here, in my heart? 

Why do I feel all this crazy silly things in my head?

Who are you? 

Why can't I remember? 

I know you. I know I know you. 

But why? Why? 

Why...why am I crying so hard?

Why...? 

Why...Why do I feel I want to be with you so badly?

Can you tell me who are you? Who are you? 

"... ..."

"...I'm Yuki Eiri."

TBC 


	10. 10

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me.

Chapter10: Sayonara

It was cold but moist with the moonlight in room 718 of Hakuna Byouin. 

Yuki Eiri surveyed at what he had in his arms - a boy, an idiot, Shuichi. He, in his phosphorescent golden yellow eyes and a wry lost boy's smile, watched Shuichi in his slumber with an occasional soft snore. As he contoured Shuichi's skin gently with his hand, the latter, would shudder and twitch, like a child would while dreaming. And whenever Shuichi did that, an urge to kiss Shuichi would flood his mind. But, he would suppress this urge for it hurt. It hurt to kiss Shuichi. It hurt to love him even more than what was more than ever now. It hurt to hold him ever tighter and closer. It hurt so much for he would be reminded that Shuichi was falling apart, Shuichi was dying, Shuichi was leaving him…unless the operation, on the day after, would be a success. Yuki had tried to find a distraction, to refrain from thinking about the events two days later, to save himself from the brink of despondency. His attempt was fallible. He failed to find anything to help him take his mind off Shuichi. Shuichi had always been the one that kept him distracted. 

"Do you know how much you are hurting me now, Shuichi?" 

The thought came unwelcome. The whole aloofness was to reject the whole world before others could intrude his feelings. Shuichi was hurting him. Yet, a part of him was willing and glad to let Shuichi to hurt him. He cupped Shuichi's face. The moonlight illuminated a soft tinge of pink on his cheeks. He couldn't understand the predicament he was in. He realized he had finally allowed Shuichi to have his rightful place in his heart.  

"Shuichi..." 

He kissed Shuichi, with a voice in his mind shouting so loud: "I'll never get over you. I'll never recover." Shuichi opened his eyes softly as the warmth on his lips awakened him. 

"...I can't sleep." Yuki replied softly to Shuichi's sleepy questioning expression and twitched a little in pain, as he could no longer feel the warmth that was lost altogether with Shuichi's eyes.   

"...Yu...Yuki..." Shuichi could only make out Eiri's name. The kiss had burned his heart to ashes even in sleep. It had been three weeks. Three weeks without a single memory of Yuki. Nevertheless, regardless of what he learnt about their relationship through Hiro and Yuki himself, Shuichi could not help himself from staying close to this man whom he couldn't even picture out his appearance nor his face. It hurt his head so much from trying to remember Yuki. No, not only his head. His heart ached too from trying to remember Yuki. His heart ached too from knowing he couldn't remember Yuki. His heart ached too from feeling love from a man who loved him so much even though knowing that he could not remember him at all. His heart ached so much to make him realize that "he" actually love Yuki so deeply...so painfully...

Shuichi threw his hands into the air, trying to reach out for Yuki before the latter caught them with his face. "What's wrong...?" Shuichi asked.    

"Nothing..."

"...Oh..." A silence. 

"It's your eyes." Shuichi's eyes, Yuki said, are of an innocuous green, much darker when remembered.

"…And your…irking pink hair," Yuki added on enigmatically, smoothing Shuichi's hair back.   

"…you like them?"

"Mm." A silence. 

"...What time is it? Yuki?"

"...It's almost dawn, I guess..."

"Mm..." A silence. 

"Shuichi..."

"Hm?"

"...No...Nothing..." A silence. 

Shuichi adjusted himself till he had his mouth against the neck of Yuki's shirt and rested his head on Yuki's shoulder as if he had known him always and Yuki was his bodyguard. Yuki tightened his lock around Shuichi's waist as if he never wanted to let go and Shuichi was his one and only possession till the end of the world. There were the seldom footsteps. There were the occasional coughs from other patients' bronchial tissues. But the cloak of sleep and peace is never drawn, even when the soft morning sunlight fell as light as a feather upon them.  

***  

"Lunch."

"I don't want it." Shuichi let out a soft sigh. He had enough of the hospital's food. 

"You've got to eat something," Yuki placed the lunch tray beside the bed. "Come'on. Oh alright...I'll feed you."

"I don't want it. I have enough of ve-ge and broth. Give me a break..." Shuichi pouted like he always did whenever Yuki didn't give in to him. 

Yuki smiled sadly upon the familiar pouting-puppy-Shuichi, uncertain whether he was lamenting or reminiscing the past. He sipped a little broth and mouth-feed the surprising Shuichi, which soon deviated to a passionate long kiss stinging breathless sweetness on both of them. "So...do you still want your broth?"

"Not unless you feed me again." Shuichi replied with a slight red blush on his cheeks. 

*** 

Forgive me is all I can say, Yuki. Forgive me for not being able to remember you. Forgive me for hurting you that much. Forgive me for loving you this much. Forgive me. 

*** 

You are quiet now because you understand, Shuichi. You understand my feelings of love for you. You understand my feelings of absence from my own life. You understand my feelings of fear of losing you and myself. You understand. You know. But you don't know I don't remember in the past. I don't remember what's it like to be the most important person to someone. I don't remember what's it like to have the most important person of my life. But now, because of you Shuichi, I remember so ever clearly. Because of you Shuichi, I can never recover from your love. It doesn't matter if you remember me or not. It doesn't matter if you push me away and treat me like a stranger. It doesn't matter if you hurt me or not. Because Shuichi...you changed me. You light up my life.

*** 

Night. 

Shuichi, though having lost his sight, felt Yuki waiting for him. He couldn't speak with this feeling. He was seething, flushing, quaking. 

"Shu...Shuichi..." Yuki breathed.  

"Ugh...Yuki...ah...stop...this...this...we...we are in a...hos...hospital."

"I...I can't..."

"Ah...ah..." Shuichi was shaking with the sweet rage of his body. Nerves whine and shudder. His blood was singing under those nerves. Yuki was making him cry. Yuki was making all the crazy, stupid things running wild in his head. Yuki was making love in Shuichi. Shuichi felt that this had nothing to do with the biology and physical needs. He felt Yuki light caress, slow movements and gentle touch. He felt Yuki loving him, caring him and…forgiving him.

"Yu...YUKI...AH..."

*** 

They say angels smile with pleasure when they harvest the tears of the dying from hell. What do angels do with tears then --- drink them? And so you smile like an angel when you touch me...and now you drink my tears as I cry. Yuki. If this is ever the last night I'll spend with you, I want to be an angel too.

*** 

To love is the masterpiece. This is just a line in my novels. But when I love, I have lost sight of everything except what I want you to see. Shuichi. 

***

"I cherish you so much, Shuichi." 

*** 

"What is it that's stopped you from loving?" Shuichi finally asked. Post-breakfast, morning lovers' talk. 

Yuki was silent for a while. "I didn't expect a real question." Topic of discussion: Yuki. Kitazawa Yuki. 

"Tell me, Yuki. I want to know. Please?" Shuichi was persistent. 

"…I told you before."

"…I…I don't remember…" Shuichi bent down, sobbing a little which made Yuki jolt with regret and apology. 

"…Don't let it get to you…baka." Yuki reached out briefly and touched Shuichi's hair. "…I'll tell you again." 

And so Eiri spoke, somewhat breathless yet with a distinct overtone of detached lamentation, stumbling a story much more of a task than solving writer's block. It was a story that had hurt him not once but twice, making him suicidal more than twice. It was his story, yet not. It was his sorrid tale, yet he resisted giving in to it. 

He could only piece the fragments left. They were all just pieces of a missing-piece puzzle of his past, Yuki and himself, like am untidily cleared up mess of a broken glass ball yet still shivering with penetrating reflections. New York. Yuki-sensei. Yuki-sensei's smile. Yuki-sensei's voice. Yuki-sensei's actions. Yuki-sensei's eyes. Intimidation. Rape. Intimidation. Rape. Intimidation. 10 bucks. Intimidation. Gunshot. Fear. Heartbroken. Fear. Lost. Fear. Shut down.

Then, eleven weeks after the event, on a July night, Tohma came into the very apartment where it took place, determined, as per usual, to make him talk. And there was Eiri. Unrecognizable with every pulse retarded, as if he could no longer metabolize the truth. He had slowed down until he had become, almost, in total paralysis, both physically and psychologically, suffering in absolute prosternation.

"Me." - the first mutter of the fragile sixteen-year-old after eleven weeks of sheer silence. 

"Eiri-san…"

"It was because of me."

"…It is not your fault." Tohma turned away a little, with tears streaming down that already lugubrious pale face. "Eiri-san…let's go back."

"I can't…I can't go back." 

"Eiri-san…"

"I remembered very well - my first day here, my first Christmas eve here. He said I was the Santa Claus bringing him his Christmas present. I am Santa." Eiri continued in a slow monotonous voice with no indication that he was still crying at all.

"…Let's go, Eiri-san." Tohma tugged Eiri's back and he walked with no resistance at all and guided him through New York City until they reached the airport. Eiri never looked back at the apartment for the next seven years of his life.

*** 

Shuichi felt the heavy silence as Yuki's voice died out with a painful note. He felt for Yuki's face, gently comforting him. 

"I don't remember how many times I told myself: I'll keep changing and find myself but I'll never love again. Yuki was…the most important to me. He is still important to me. I'll never forgive myself if I ever forget him." Eiri continued slowly. 

Shuichi withdrew his hands from the warm cheeks. He had done the exact thing. "Yuki is the most important to me. I'll never be able to forgive myself if I ever forget him." He can never forgive himself. Never be able to - forever hurt and crucified with the pain of forgetting the most important person of one's life. Shuichi sobbed softly, not knowing whether he was crying for Yuki or himself. 

"But…Shuichi…you…you've changed me." Eiri pulled the surprised Shuichi into his embrace, gently wiping his tears away. "I can never forgive myself for forgetting Yuki…but I can forgive you for forgetting me…Because Shuichi…right now…I…I…you…you…you are…the most important to me. Now, you are the only one I can see in my eyes…I…I…I don't want…you…you to…leave me. I need you. So you've got to live, Shuichi. For me. For yourself…for…for us…" 

*** 

You need me. You sat there, right beside me but I can't say what I feel. I have wanderer all round searching for you but I can see nothing but sheer emptiness in front of me. Yet, what makes me need you as much as you need me? I wander. I wonder. I follow. For an answer that is too obvious…too painful…

This love of desiring too much; this love of caring too much; this love of loving too much. This love…is wrong. 

*** 

I was always in the dark with a blindfold, crucified by the cross of pain and dejection. I was always crying in the narrow bed, excruciated by the merciless cold of the night. I was the fallen hermit until you came along, picked me up, released my blindfold and wiped away my tears. You brought me to heaven, yet the angels wept for you as you fell and as I was graced. I saw you fall. I saw you closing your eyes. I saw you. Thus, I decided to fall with you too.

*** 

"Shuichi." 

"Hiro?"

"Yes." Nakano Hiroshi sat himself beside Shuichi. "How are you feeling?" 

"Okay, I guess." Hiro was like that as long as Shuichi remembered - always caring, warm and friendly and forever charming Shuichi with concern. Fujisaki once told Shuichi if the world would ever end upon the latter, "Nakano-san will still be there for you." Fujisaki was right - Hiro was here. 

"Where's Yuki-san?"

"He went home to get something." 

"I see...how's things going for the two of you?"

"...Good." 

"Still can't remember him, can you?" Hiro asked quietly. 

Shuichi twitched a little - he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. There wasn't even a single flash of Yuki in his head. Was he going to die like this forgetting the one who loved him most? Was he going to die like this hurting the one that had just regarded him as the most important? Was he going to die at all? - with fear and pain; prostrated in the soul and broken-hearted. Tears wet Shuichi's eyes again echoing the voiceless woe in his throat. 

"Shuichi...I...I am sorry. I don't mean to..." Hiro stumbled on his words, regretting his question. He should have known not to hurt Shuichi anymore. He should have known better than anyone. 

"It's alright...You are right...I can't remember Yuki...I can't..." A heavy silence followed with Shuichi punctuating a sob at moments. 

"...Ah...Fujisaki, K and Sakano-san will be here later." 

"...Ah..."

"Shuichi...I am sorry." Hiro apologized again. It was unbearable to see his best friend cry anymore, especially in the state he was right now. 

"I know." Shuichi gave a small nod. The uncomfortable silence continued. 

"...Remember the first time I lent you the Nittle Grasper CD? You were so fanatic about Sakuma-san at that time. I remembered skipping classes with you one day, just to go get the limited Nittle Grasper's poster. I remembered you told me one day that you want to sing like Sakuma-san and I'll be your shining knight in amour with a guitar instead of a sword...Haha...those were the days...Haha..." 

"Haha...yea...those were the days. I never thought I will make it to what I am today...or I was yesterday..." 

"Shuichi..."

"Never thought I would...really...Singing...Singing was my passion. My dream. But...they are all in the past now..."  

"No…Shuichi..." Hiro looked down, unable to face Shuichi's unfeeling expression. 

"I am dying. You know I am, Hiro."

"No! Shuichi...you are not! You can't die! Not like this, Shuichi! Not like this!" Hiro could no longer control it anymore. He wanted to shout, to explode and cry. Shuichi was his friend - his childhood friend, his best friend - one whom he had known for nineteen years of his life; one whom he had shared his dreams with. And Shuichi was going to take his leave. 

"Hiro..." Shuichi caught hold of Hiro's face with his hand slowly. 

"You can't die, Shuichi...You can't...It's not the time yet. You've got to live...Shuichi...You've got to...Everyone needs you. K. Sakano. Fujisaki. Me! We need you! You can't walk out like this...It's not fair...You can't walk out like this...No...Yu...Yuki-san...he needs you too...Shuichi..." It was the first time Hiro cried so hard in front Shuichi. He had cried to Shuichi before but not like this. These were tears of real pain and utter sorrow.

"Hiro...I..."

"Shuichi..."

"I...won't die like this. I won't."

*** 

"I never thought of seeing you again." Yuki Eiri sighed softly outside his apartment's front door. "I thought you won't want to see me again." 

"Indeed, I don't want to see you again." It was Seguchi Tohma. "But I can't help myself. Eiri-san." Silence followed. 

"How's she?" Yuki turned around slowly, lining up his eyes with that of Tohma's. 

"She's doing well. The baby is healthy...how's Shindou-san?"

"He's...fine."

"You sure of it?"

"... ..."

"Eiri-san..."

"I'm going in." Yuki interrupted as he marched into his apartment, into his study. Tohma perambulated into the apartment and circled around the living room silently. 

Nothing had changed here. There was always this empty cold feeling with a contradicting tint of alluring gaiety whenever Tohma entered this house. It felt like a ticklish paradox that couldn't get out of his head. But, it was only like this when Shindou Shuichi moved in a year ago. Before that, there was only the heaviness of solitude. Tohma couldn't decide whether this was a happy or a sad apartment. There was indeed a choking melancholy in the house but beneath that, there was a sparkling robust gem of energy. 

"I need to go back now." 

Tohma jolted, with his thoughts interrupted by Eiri's voice. "Go back? To Shuichi...?"

"Yes." Yuki breathed out softly, stopping in front of his door, unable to explain the sudden thrust of despondency in his head. Go back to Shuichi...Go back...to Shuichi... 

"Eiri-san."

"... ..."

"What if...what if Shindou Shuichi dies? What if he dies? What will...you do?"

"... ..."

"What will you do...?"

"Tohma...I promised him." Eiri sighed. "I promised to find him...no matter where he is...I promised him…"

Without another word, Eiri shut the door. And Tohma echoed the silence of the house with his tears. 

*** 

Friends and Family - people I'll never repay enough for their kindness and warmth. But you are different. I want to touch you. I want to caress you out of your life. I want to be in you, of you and under you. Therefore, I want to live. 

Because of you, Yuki. 

***  

Shuichi opens the door for me. He's always so beautiful when he open it. His beauty is my cure, the first I'll ever have, the last I'll ever need. 

*** 

"I don't want to sleep tonight, Yuki." Shuichi snuggled his head under Yuki's chin, on Yuki's chest and took in a deep breath, swooning himself with the combination of dirty cigarettes and whisky. 

"I don't want to either." Yuki replied as he brushed Shuichi's hair, inhaling the familiar faint strawberry scent from it.

Tomorrow would be the day. The day Shuichi would be in the operation ward. But both of them wanted to stay silent about it. Neither of them wanted to think about what was going to happen tomorrow. No one was allowed to. They were just going stay this way – safe, at peace, calm, for now. At least, this was going to be for the night. 

"...They are going to shave my hair off before the operation." Shuichi said quietly. 

"...Oh…"

"I don't want that."

"You have to." 

"You like my hair." 

"No, I don't." 

"You said you do." 

"I said I like you more than your hair." 

"… …"

It was a quiet argument. No agitation. No pouting. No nothing. It was just a quiet conversation. 

"...Yuki..." Shuichi broke the silence again.

"Mm?"   

"Let's go to the park."

"What?" Yuki looked down at Shuichi, awed by his request. 

"Let's go to the park. I want to go to the park where we met." Shuichi repeated patiently. 

*** 

"We're here." Eiri guided Shuichi slowly towards the spot - the spot where everything started. He sighed quietly at what was in front of him. Nothing had changed here at all but everything had changed for the both of them. 

"Tell me…tell me what this place looks like." Shuichi, as if entranced, requested as he laid his head on Eiri's chest, breathing in the cool air and Eiri's warmth altogether. 

Eiri stared blankly at what was in front of him. The park was his "dumping ground" in the past. This was the place where he would always come and take short walks, exhausting his tiredness and thoughts silently. Pre-Shuichi or post-Shuichi, this was the place he could actually relieved himself from both physical and mental exhaustion…at least when he had made sure he was alone in the park and all. 

"…There's the night scenery of Tokyo's right below of us…" Eiri began. "And…the few dim lamp posts all lined up beside the railings. There are the benches…the rock-tiled pavement…the bushes…trees…and…"    

"And…I was here…" 

"Hm?" 

"I was here…I…I took…took out something…a paper…lyrics…my lyrics…"

"Shu…ichi…"

"And…and there was the wind…I…I sneezed…and I…the…lyrics slipped…off…and…and…and then…I…I ran…I ran…and ran…and I…I stopped." Tears were starting to envelope Shuichi's eyes inconspicuously as he continued to speak.

"And…And…there…there…there's this…shadow…shadow…a…a…a…man…ugh..." 

"Shuichi!" Eiri grabbed hold of Shuichi before the latter got the weak knees from the pain in his head. 

"The man…he…he…ugh…aah…my head…" Shuichi struggled just as hard to hold onto Eiri as he was trying to remember. He couldn't give up now. He did not want to give it up. He would not allow himself to give it up. He wanted to remember. He wanted to so badly, so strongly, so obsessionally. 

"Shuichi…that's enough…I'm bringing you back…"

"NO! I WANT TO REMEMBER! I WANT TO REMEMBER NOW!" Shuichi bellowed with tears still streaming along the contours of his cheeks. He was feeling anger and frustrations already…with himself…for being so weak and fragile and…useless. Can't you just remember this? It's not a difficult task. Not at all! What's the matter with you, Shindou Shuichi? What the freaking matter is with you? 

"No, we'll go now." 

"I don't want to! I don't want to! Yuki, please!! Just this once…I want to remember! I want to! I don't want to die like this not even remembering your face. I don't want that! I don't give you a damn whether you forgive me or not! I want to remember you! I want to! I want to! I want to!!!" 

"Shuichi…" Eiri brushed Shuichi's cheeks gently, wiping away the tears just like he did before countless times. He was not sure what he should be feeling right now. Sad? Angry? Happy? He did not know. Right now, he just didn't want Shuichi to cry. He just didn't want to see Shuichi sad anymore. No more... 

"You won't die baka…" 

  
"…Gomen…Yuki…Gomenasai…" Shuichi buried his face into Yuki's embrace. "I am sorry…Yuki…I shouldn't be shouting at you…I shouldn't be…sumimasen, Yuki…I am sorry…I…"

"…Saino…" Eiri breathed softly, pushing Shuichi a little.

"Huh…?"  
  


"…Saino zero da…"

Shuichi widened his eyes before…

"…and that man…that man…was…was…"

"Shuichi…"

"That man was you…It was you…ha…I…I…I…remembers…haha…I…I remembers…ha…I remembered…I remembered Yuki…I…I…*sob*…I remembered you…Yuki…I remembered…*sob*…YUUUUUKKIIIIIII~!" Shuichi sniped an embrace into Yuki again, crying out 'Yuki' under his sobs repeatedly and loudly. He remembered now. He remembered Yuki - Yuki's hair; Yuki's eyes; Yuki's face; Yuki's lips; Yuki himself. He remembered.

"Baka…" Eiri smiled weakly.

*** 

If forgetting someone is the greatest sin ever to be committed by one, then remembering someone who was forgotten must be the greatest gift to be given to one. I want to give that gift to you, Yuki.  

*** 

You are always there, under the beautiful sunlight, in the warm spring fields, smiling at me. But I can only look back at you blankly with love, friendship, sympathy, anticipation, obsession, care, unrest and desire. For I am afraid you will break us into destruction. 

I want to save this feeling. I want to save this love.

*** 

Shuichi laid down slowly on the bed as instructed by the nurse. This was the moment. In thirty more minutes, he would be under anesthetic, losing all sensations, falling into one deep sleep he wouldn't know when he would wake up...maybe never to be awaken again. Shuichi shuddered at the thought. No…I won't die like this. I won't. There are still so many things I want to do. So many things I want to say. I can't die like this. Like Hiro said. Like Yuki said. Yuki…

No sooner, two nurses, making their way towards the operation ward, pushed Shuichi out of the preparatory ward on his bed, which, along the way, seemed as if eternity had swept past Shuichi. He was remembering even though he couldn't decide between being lamenting or reminiscing the past. He was just simply recalling the events of his life - His kindergarten years. Befriending Hiro. Elementary school. Happy moments. Carefree. All play and no work. Middle School. First year, Spring – Sakuma Ryuichi and Nittle Grasper. Fanatic. Crazy. Singing. Dreams. High School. Dreams. Singing. Band. Bad Luck with Hiro. Post-High school. Bad Luck. Yuki Eiri. Singing. Love. Dreams. Yuki Eiri. Singing. Happiness. Yuki Eiri. Tumor. Cancer. Blind. Amnesia. Death. Death. Death. Uncertain. Frustrated. Forlorn. Desperation. Death. Death. Death. Yuki Eiri. Love. Love. Love. Death. Death. Death. Love. Death. Yuki. Now…

Flashes of his life glowed silently amidst the empty darkness before him. Yuki…he couldn't remember everything about Yuki yet actually. He could only recall the day they met and Yuki's face and these two images were resonating in his mind as his heartbeat raced upon the footsteps of the nurses. Yuki…Yuki…Yuki…Yuki…nothing else but Yuki… 

"I am not going to die like this."

"I am going to live." 

Shuichi reaffirmed himself over and over again. 

But death. Death was so distantly heinous yet so closely horrendous. Death, the unknown - the ultimate end. Everything would end if death comes, wouldn't it? Feelings and memories and all. They would all come to an end too, wouldn't they? Everything…everything would just become a memory. 

"I am not going to die like this." 

"I am going to live." 

*** 

"Gambatte yo, Shuichi!! You still have to keep shining with me, remember?" Sakuma Ryuichi jumped on Shuichi as the latter, in the bed with the two nurses, reached the aisle leading towards the operation ward. 

"Sakuma-san…"

"Ne!! Pika pika!!" 

"Mm…pika pika!" Shuichi replied with as much genki-ness he could gather. 

"You'll be alright! Shuichi-kun." Noriko Ukai voiced out as she planted a small peck on Shuichi's cheeks, making him flush a little. This was the first kiss he ever received from a woman. It felt somewhat weird but warm at the same time. "You'll be just fine." Noriko re-stated her statement again with Shuichi nodding as a reply. 

"He WILL be fine. All my singers only die under my gun." K patted Shuichi on the head as he winked at Noriko. "Shuichi WILL be fine and kicking." 

"K…"

"Shindou-kun, Bad Luck's still here waiting for you." Sakano took his turn to speak. "We still need your voice, Shindou-kun." 

"That's right! I re-did "The Rage Beat's" arrangement, again. Hehe…it will be so much better than yours. I want to show it to you and I want you to sing it, Shindou-san. Just you!" Suguru continued with a pompous yet heartfelt grin.  

"Sakano-san…Fujisaki…" 

"Shuichi…" Hiro stood out from the corner and hugged Shuichi from the bed. 

"Hiro…" Shuichi hugged back as tight as he felt Hiro's warmth on him. Nineteen years - nineteen years of friendship, dreams, and gratitude. Nineteen years of what felt like eternity. All these were expressed in the embrace of the two buddies in the next 19 seconds. "Arigatou…Hiro…Honto no arigatou…" 

"Shuichi…you promised me. You promised me you won't die like this, right?" Tears gathered and flowed down Hiro's hazel brown eyes as he tightened the embrace even more. Nothing could describe what he was feeling now. No words could voice out what he was thinking now. He just wanted this moment, with his soul mate, his best best best best friend, to last forever. 

"Mm…" Shuichi replied softly. "I won't die like this."

The two friends hugged one more time - the longest ever; the most emotional ever. And after they let go slowly, the nurses continued to push Shuichi towards the operation ward till…

"Shuichi…"

"…Yuki…" 

The next moment was a quiet embrace evoking feelings of love and passion and yet, emptiness into the chambers of everyone's heart. There were the two fateful lovers, Shindou Shuichi and Yuki Eiri, gripping and clinging to each other, never wanting to let go even if the sky was to fall on them. Everyone watched the two thinking - so is this love? Never wanting to let go; never wanting to part, forgiving and giving; heart to heart. Clinging onto each other even though it would hurt so much…so much…

"Yuki…Yuki…Yuki…" Shuichi let out soft whimpers as the embrace continued, as if wanting to make sure for this moment, Yuki was with him. Yuki was clinging onto him. Yuki was supporting him. Yuki was there for him. And as he cried out for Yuki every single time, he wanted so much to tighten his hold onto Yuki so that time would stop at this very instant. Eiri would reply with a soft brush on Shuichi's back or calling back "Shuichi" just as gently, letting Shuichi cry softly on his chest, pulling Shuichi into the safety of his arms, placing the ring on Shuichi's hand which he had chained together with his before. 

"Yuki…Yuki…I…Yuki…I…" Shuichi could no longer stop himself. He was crying more and more painfully every second, burying his voice where there was no chance of recovering it. And soon, he felt a kiss. A swooning kiss of painfulness and misery that spelled an even more tightening squeeze on his ribcage. A nostalgic kiss that was conveying a message so obvious - "I am nothing without you." 

"Shuichi…" Eiri breathed onto Shuichi lips when they broke the kiss and coiled up on each other again, professing to the world what their feelings for each other was more than love and companionship. It had surpassed all physical needs and even spiritual bonds. Their love was more than that, more than beyond what words could describe. This could only be felt. Not told; not described; not drawn, but only to be felt. 

"Come back to me." Eiri finally said. "Come back to me, alright?" 

"Yuki…Yuki…I…I…Yuki…I…Eiri…Eiri…YUUUUKKIIIII~!" Shuichi screamed. There were so much emotions, so many feelings. This was too much for him to take. Too much; too heart wrenching; too cruel. 

The rest present could only watch in conspicuous torment of sorrow, either turning away from witnessing the agony or crying for the two silently.

"Please…this is the hospital. And he has to go now…" One of the nurse, though overwhelmed by grief, said. 

"…Yuki…Yuki…don't…Yuki…don't…" Shuichi was still whimpering in a distorted volume but fell silent when he was pulled for another excruciating long kiss filled with yet again. Desperate anguish and unspoken deprival sunk into the aisle. Everyone was feeling the breathlessness of pain.  

"…I love you." Eiri whispered softly as he pulled away, allowing himself to release his tears, kissing away Shuichi's tears. "Come back to me…Shuichi…" He said again as he watch helplessly Shuichi being pushed into the operation ward. 

"Matte yo…" Shuichi wailed softly as he approached the door. "Matte yo…MATTE!!"  Yet, the nurse kept on moving. 

"MATTE~…Yuki Yuki YUKI YUKI YUUUUUKIIIIIIIIIII!!" Shuichi pulled himself off the bed, broke through the nurses and stumbled himself forward to be caught by Eiri once again. 

"YUUUUKIIII…Yuki…Yuki…don't leave me…don't leave me in there…I beg you…I beg you…please…don't…don't leave me here…don't…Yuki…Yuki…don't…AAAAAAAH….AAAAAAAAHHHH…" Shuichi couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it without Eiri by his side. He just couldn't. 

"Shuichi…please…don't be like this…"

"I can't I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T!!!! Yuuukiiii….please…I beg you…PLEASE!!! ONEGAI!!!!!" Shuichi was breaking himself with his deafening cries. With one last scream, he fell down with Eiri holding onto him to break his fall. "Yuki…I beg you…I beg you…" Shuichi could only continue choking up his words and Eiri could only hold onto him crying silently, hurting in the heart to see his lover like this.

And it hurt the rest too, especially Hiro who was unable to continue seeing the two struggling like this. Hiro could no longer bear what brutal fate had cast upon the two. Why? Why does Shuichi have to suffer like this? Why does Shuichi have to go through this at only the age of 19? Why? Why is fate so cruel, so heartless, so abusive, and so beastly to him? Why? Why? Why? 

"Please…please…let him go with Shuichi…" Hiro said to the nurse. 

"What? Letting him observe the operation? But…" 

"Please…I beg you." Hiro kneeled down as he broke down, leaving the nurse no choice but to consent his request. 

Hiro watched Eiri carried Shuichi, still crying softly, in his arms after looking silently back at Hiro for a minute to express his graditude, and ambulated heavily in despondency towards the operation ward. At that moment, Hiro prayed. Hiro prayed so ever hard. He prayed so hard for Shuichi that he would live through this, that he would have the happiness he deserved, that he would keep his promise. 

"Please…" 

*** 

I can't let myself leave you. 

I can't say 'sayonara'.

*** 

I can't let you leave me. 

I can't say 'sayonara'. 

-TBC-


	11. 11

Chapter 11: Home  
  
~  
  
There is no greater sorrow than to recall a time of happiness when in misery.  
  
Dante (1265-1321)  
  
~Divine Comedy, Inferno, V~  
  
~  
  
New York City's summer meant a palpable harshness of the atmosphere which dampened the air, making breathing an almost laborious task to do so. But the heat did not dampen the celebration of life here. The rustles and engrossment of city continued without giving a damn to the weatherman.  
  
Kitazawa Yuki was here twice, being part of the celebration, indulging himself in the rustles and engrossment. In the beginning, he was here, young, vibrant, robust and smart. A daredevil he was and termed among his college mates. College mates, that is. He couldn't classify them as "friends". None of them were his friends nor could he ever constitute them in any other class, as how he categorized his social circle, other than "college mates". But the daredevil he was, his college mates couldn't care less than to just hang out with him (and not him with them).  
  
Stealing cars, shoplifting, gangsterism and the list continued for the atrocities Yuki and his mates had committed. They were caught several times, as a matter fact. But who cares? Nobody. Not even a single person would. Not even someone as closely related to share blood relations would. Nobody would, at all. It was the very same reason why he was literally "dumped" in NYC anyways. Nobody, not even a single soul would care to see him in his act. Nobody would even want to give him a damn.  
  
There and then, he got himself expelled from college due to unacceptable conduct to become one of the homeless wanderers of the big city, expelled from the morbid celebration of life. But, it did not last for long.  
  
He met Tohma. He met Seguchi Tohma, by chance and by fate. He was intelligent enough to gain the trust of the fellow Japanese. He didn't know Tohma was a hit off the Oricon Charts. In fact, he didn't know music at all, let alone Nittle Grasper. All he knew at that time was to get some cash to settle his dinner that evening. Tohma, however, gave him more than dinner. Tohma gave him a new life.  
  
From a superior to what he can finally considered Tohma as another "mate" in his life, Yuki worked hard for the recognition, ironically. But along the way, he went on searching for something more. He didn't know what but, he just knew that he had to stay beside Tohma. Stick with him, leech on him and search in him.  
  
So now, he was here again for the second time, under the summer's heat, stuck in the concentration camp of the buzzing lifestyle as a New Yorker would. He was "fired" of his personal assistant job by Tohma just yesterday and now he was here waiting for his new "assignment". Before he knew it, half an hour was wasted waiting and Tohma came up to him with a boy.  
  
"Kitazawa-kun, this is Eiri, Usegi Eiri."  
  
+  
  
Tutor. To be the boy's tutor.  
  
Tohma commanded rather than requesting Yuki to take up the new task. The thought came into Yuki's mind uninvited. He wanted to explode, to fuck Tohma and that boy upside down and to wipe out the crazy idea out of their heads. Kitazawa Yuki, a teacher? No fucking way!  
  
But he didn't, upon seeing that boy.  
  
Blond, sleek and beautiful. For a while, Yuki thought that boy was almost demure. But, on closer look, Yuki shunned away from that boy. It was his eyes. He couldn't see those golden eyes. He knew those eyes. Under that pair of eyes was a frequency of satiric commiseration Yuki felt closely bonded to. Struggling hard to recall those pair of eyes he had seen before, the realization struck him as these eyes once belong to someone he was more than familiar with. Someone that was once buried deep inside him heart with no intentions at all to reappear again in his memory until now. It was his own past, the other Kitazawa Yuki, hiding in his memory, forever crying in his own childhood.  
  
+  
  
The first week was acquaintances. The second and third were familiarity. The fourth was a heart-to-heart conversance. The rest was a soft tingling attraction and many unsaid words.  
  
That was how their meeting went on with time. Fate crossed their paths, yet their stories were always parallel to each other, never to meet and neither would they intersect.  
  
+  
  
"Why are you in New York, Eiri-kun?"  
  
"...I rather not talk about it, Sensei."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"...Sensei, I..."  
  
"Forget it."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Just forget it."  
  
"Oh. Okay."  
  
"...Eiri-kun."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"We..."  
  
"Sensei?"  
  
"...We're the.same.Eiri-kun."  
  
+  
  
It was not long before they shared the same bedroom (They were not on the same bed, of course, but their mattresses were beside each other's.). Both their social circle had shrunk down ever since their acquaintance. It seemed as if they could only communicate with each other and nobody else (except for Tohma). They would be at the park on days without classes (Yuki went back to college, thanks to Tohma again) or else it would be the nearby old- furnished library. Tuitions were no longer tuitions. The two would tend to stray away from Eiri's work whenever one started to execute a conversation. Every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week and every month.  
  
Then came two weeks of separation with Eiri going back home for a visit. It was right then Yuki found himself constantly looking out through the apartment's window and deliberated. He couldn't decide his feelings. Was he missing Eiri? Or was he just uncomfortable with the sudden quietness of the house (Eiri was rather lively whenever they talked...perhaps a little too lively sometimes)? He looked out through the window, onto the flat opposite his or theirs or Tohma's, seeking for an answer.  
  
Then, as if of a sudden, he recalled what he said once to Eiri on the day they met. It was Christmas Eve actually. The thought simply came across him and he voiced it out not knowingly. He said Eiri was Kiddy Santa Claus bringing his Christmas present to him. He wondered why did that thought came to him and it struck on him like a tight slap. He could never survive if Eiri ever leave one day, like a kid who would never receive his Christmas present anymore. He knew that he would be betrayed yet.again, and his soul would be destroyed.  
  
Upon that conviction, Yuki lied down on Eiri's bed and pushed himself against the latter's pillow and kept it there for a long time and breathed hard, feeling only apocalyptic fury at the world. The world was going to betray him yet again. At that moment, he wanted to bring Eiri back and kill him and he would then die beside him on this bed. But, it was not long before he jolted up, breaking into cold sweat.  
  
What was he thinking? What was this fear of losing Eiri? What was this anger of the possibility whereby Eiri would betray him? Was this love declaring to himself? Was this love at all?  
  
The thought of killing and dying beside Eiri was true but clearly an exaggeration: He was a man after all. Was this his hysterical mind calling out to him or was it due to a sudden awareness of his inaptitude for human relationships that he felt an urge to stimulate it? No matter what the answer was, Yuki knew at that moment that he had to retreat. He had to make distance. He had to stop himself.  
  
So he sat down at the empty table and was almost hysterical, on the verge to go mad.  
  
He didn't want to do that. He didn't want to claim Eiri's life and to make Eiri's only purpose was to love him. He went on working out the math of two lives, his and Eiri's. On his own side, he calculated an inborn weakness. He needed Eiri too much. And so to balance the equation, he had to go.  
  
+  
  
He chose this path in the end. He chose to end it in misery.  
  
He wanted Eiri to hate him and to stop deluding himself from making the wrong decision. He wanted Eiri to forget him and wiped out every single memory they shared. He wanted Eiri.too badly that he chose to end it. It was, nevertheless, his life, his decision, his path, his fate.  
  
"Nothing good would come out of this relationship."  
  
What was left was the gunshot through the night, the tingling attraction and many unsaid words, the ending of one's story and continuation of another in a new dimension and the cries of a young man and a boy that has a past similar to that young man.  
  
+  
  
Misfortunes of our lives will always set us apart. But it is those misfortunes that we endured that renders us human and in the end, set us free instead. This is a story of a man who tried love as a mean to render him human but knew he could not.  
  
+  
  
I am drowning. I met you, know you, love you and refuse you. Each and every act of a drowning man gasping for air.  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
No one broke the silence. All that Eiri did was to hold Shuichi in his arms with Shuichi leaning his head against his shoulders. There were, however, the strains of sobs that shook the room but it was not enough to initiate any conversation.  
  
In fact, there was no need for conversation. Everything had been said. All that was left now were misplaced happiness and painful sadness. The sadness meant: we are at the end of the road. The happiness meant: we are together. Sadness was formed. Happiness was contented. The sinking happiness filled in the empty space of sadness. And the rest of it was an aching peacefulness and serenity.  
  
"The operation ward is ready. We have to start now." The nurse barged in rudely.  
  
"Yuki..." Shuichi whimpered weakly, his voice choked with an utter yearning to stay. He enfolded his arms even tighter around Yuki's waist, praying deep down inside that he would never have to let go.  
  
"Yuki..." Shuichi called out again, muffled under Eiri's embrace. Suddenly, he felt he had so much to say but words wasn't allowed to him to construct them into a sentence. It struck him that if he couldn't say it, he couldn't express it in any other forms either. All he could do was to keep calling Eiri, hoping that he would feel the mournful desire in his tone.  
  
Tears made their way through Shuichi's eyes. Tears of a heartbreaking sorrow that spoke the uncertainty of death that could very well separate one from his loved ones. Tears of a melancholic grief that spoke the pain of hurting one's loved ones.  
  
"...Shuichi." Eiri echoed back softly. He couldn't decide his feelings - or more correctly - he didn't know what his feelings were. Even till now, he couldn't make up his mind. He knew his love Shuichi and had admitted it. He knew he had once made known to himself that Shuichi's departure would mean nothing but misery to him. He knew it all. But, right at this very moment, where only a thin fine line differentiated life and death - so as people would call it, he was lost with his feelings.  
  
"...Shuichi, I..." Eiri was finding the right words to complete his sentence. God damn it, why couldn't he be just be a little fucking clear headed right now? What was this fucking dizziness in his head? What was this nausea he was feeling? What was this blurred confusion swirling in his mind? What were all these?  
  
He looked down. He could only see Shuichi in his eyes, all teary - the beautiful innocence was torn apart by the pain of uncertainty and love. He could see it, feel it and hear it.  
  
Shuichi was dying - the thought was unbearable. It jolted and shook Eiri. It made him place his hands on Shuichi's cheeks. It made him stroke Shuichi's tears off with his fingers gently. It made him placed his lips on Shuichi's.

"Yuki..."  
  
Eiri closed his eyes as he pressed his kiss on Shuichi. Then what he saw were images of their past - their acquaintance, every single time they kissed, every single time they were on bed, every single time Shuichi smiled at him, every single time Shuichi pouted at him, every single time Shuichi called him "Yuki", every single time Shuichi cried before him, every single time Shuichi quarreled with him, every single time Shuichi hugged him, every single time Shuichi bit his ears just to wake him up, ever single time Shuichi told him that he could cook so good, every single time Shuichi came back and he heard him at the door screaming with all his genki-ness, "Tadaima, Yuki", every single time he saw Shuichi's love notes and every single time he saw his own reflections in Shuichi's eyes.  
  
Eiri felt overwhelmed. He parted his lips and watched Shuichi, catching his breath like he was. Shuichi's tears were still streaming down the contours of his face. And before he could wipe them off once again, Eiri saw his own tears landing on Shuichi's cheeks.

"Shuichi...come back to me, alright? Come back to me..."   
  
***  
  
For the first time in my life, I caressed you and felt cold. For the first time in my life, I kissed you and felt cold. For the first time in my life, I loved you and felt cold.  
  
For the first time in your life, you didn't caress me back. For the first time in your life, you didn't kiss me back. For the first time in your life, you didn't love me back.  
  
Hence, I picked you up into my arms, with you staying silent and unmoved. I whispered soft kisses onto your callous face. I hold onto the unfeeling hands.  
  
I don't want to let go of you anymore. 

Anymore.  
  
***  
  
Tohma stared at the blurred orange firmament blankly as he sat himself down on the ledge. The gentle wind swept his cold cheeks as it sailed the snowflakes through the December light and finally anchoring them onto the gray grounds.  
  
Tohma was cold. He could feel his fingers, however gloved they were, numbing with the winter twilight. And with one deep breath of the cool saturnine air, he finally hushed an almost inaudible sigh and looked down at what was in between his hands - a book encompassed by a dull white hardcover where snow camouflaged.  
  
Tohma swept the fallen snowflakes off the book gently and was indecisive. He could not choose between re-opening the book and shutting it as long as he wanted to, perhaps never opening it again. He tried so hard to suppress the ever-powerful urge of continuing it. This was because he was afraid...afraid that the verdict might engulf him, leaving nothing but an empty resilience of conformity and hopelessness. Yet, the truth was haunting and ambitious to overcome Tohma's willpower. Never before was Tohma under such immense ambivalence and pressure. How could one of power and fame ever taste the bitterness of indecision?  
  
Nevertheless, after shutting his eyes counting from one to ten silently, Tohma announced defeat and succumbed to the truth. He opened the book and flipped to the page with a corner marked indistinctly and started to read.  
  
+++  
  
19. 

That moment, I opened the door to our apartment and I saw him. He was everywhere.  
  
At the door  
  
The aisle.  
  
By the window.  
  
In front of the TV.  
  
On the couch.  
  
At the most right hand corner of the living room.  
  
In the study.  
  
On my chair.  
  
On my table.  
  
On the stool.  
  
In our bed room.  
  
On the bed.  
  
The bathroom.  
  
The bathtub.  
  
The shower.  
  
The sink.  
  
Outside the bathroom.  
  
In the kitchen.  
  
In front of the oven.  
  
And the stove.  
  
The dining table.  
  
He was there, everywhere, doing what he would always do there. And he always had that smile on him. The innocent boy's smile. The smile that I had always wanted to protect. The smile that I had always wanted to be around me.  
  
Then, he looked at me. Every single one of him around the house looked at me. All of them smiled at me like he usually would. Then, I heard every single one of them calling out my name before they all disappeared from me. It was at that time, I screamed.  
  
~  
  
20. 

Before I knew it, I wrote all this in past tense. I wanted all this to be the past. I really wanted them to.  
  
~  
  
21. 

"We're the same."  
  
I didn't understand what that meant when I was sixteen.  
  
But I do now.  
  
You were wrong. We aren't the same. I can't protect the one I cared for in the end like you did. I even watched him destroy himself.  
  
I am the guilty one. I am the murderer. I should be the one on the crucifix.  
  
But before that, I am going to find him. No matter where he is.  
  
I know where he is and I will find him.  
  
~  
  
22.

"Where are you going?"  
  
"Home."  
  
+++  
  
"Tohma?"  
  
Tohma shut the book and turned around. It was Mika.  
  
"It's cold, you should stay in the house. You are still weak from your labor." Tohma lurched towards his wife.  
  
"I'm fine...you're...reading that again?"  
  
"...Mm."  
  
"Tohma..."  
  
"Don't worry, I'm fine."  
  
The couple sat down on the ledge and watched as the evening sun set, overwhelming the sky into a murkiness of indigo and stars. The wind was much colder than before and the early strains of the chirping of cricket were vaguely heard. The snow were still falling but with a darker color of claret.  
  
"Tohma."  
  
"Hm...?"  
  
"...Had he...had Eiri gone home...do you think?"  
  
"Mika...He had...he had." Tohma repeated as he smiled weakly.  
  
The night was cold but hearts were warmed and the heavens sighed in the winter with a long but heartening resonance.  
  


-The End-

-I Need You-

-All 11 chapters complete-

Note: For those who didn't get the ending, Shuichi died and so did Eiri. Sorry that I wrote the ending in such a subtle way but I think it is most appropriate. 


End file.
